Going through a divorce is one of the most painful things for anyone to experience. I can relate from my own personal divorce drama. The day my ex threatened to call the cops because my parents took my son to church made me wonder, how could it ever get this bad?
There were days I felt like I should make a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer show. Getting divorced and going through separation, with children, a once-shared home and pets, is painful and confusing. But it can also be a great teacher.
1. Don't play the blame game. He said-she said will get you nowhere fast. It's easy to say "It's all your fault we're getting a divorce because you cheated on me." But when you place blame on your ex, it takes away your power and you become the victim.
2. Don't blame everything on yourself. It's easy to place the blame on yourself, especially if you're a people-pleaser. When you still care for your ex, it's so easy to make excuses for him and his behavior. It's not all your fault; there has probably been lack of communication between the two of you. Don't let that nasty voice in your head make you act like a doormat.
3. A therapist or life coach is worth it. My ex thought I must be crazy for leaving him, so I needed a therapist. I made my first appointment for counseling to prove that I wasn't crazy. Now, I realize I was crazy for not going to talk to a professional sooner.
After my first session, I realized she really knew what she was talking about, and I am forever grateful for her guidance. Talking to someone in the know will help you be in the know. A good counseler will hand you tissues, listen and respond with words of wisdom that you never thought of. You will start to see things in a different light. Still feeling confused and attached?
4. If things get nasty, don't be friends. Instead, be friendly. If your divorce isn't going smoothly, you don't have to be best buds. Your ex doesn't need to hear the intimate details of your work schedule or that you signed up on match.com. You can be business-like, but friendly. Especially if you have children involved, keep things short and sweet.
5. Don't be afraid to cry. When you are getting a divorce it can feel like there will never be a day when mascara isn't streaming down your face. I promise these feelings won't last forever. If you stuff down the tears they can tear you up and feel like a torrential downpour on your insides. Appreciate a good cry and don't run away from your feelings.
6. Take care of yourself. After you're done crying, don't forget about you. Do things that will help you feel good. Get an energy work session, talk to your best friend over coffee, go for a run, read a funny David Sedaris book or take a bubble bath. Connecting with nature can also do wonders for your spirit. Since you may not be getting much physical attention, you might as well get out there and hug a tree.
7. Remember that forgiveness takes time. Choose to forgive yourself and your ex, but remember, it doesn't always happen overnight. It can take time, sometimes lots of it. When you don't have an emotional reaction when you see or hear from your ex, you will know you have truly forgiven them.
8. Value your relationship with yourself. When you were married, maybe you forgot about you. Maybe you put all of your energy into your ex and didn't even know who you were. I didn't know who I was for 10 years while I was his wife. After my divorce I've had time to focus on me. This is the time to get to know yourself, treasure it.
9. Appreciate where you are. You're not crazy for getting divorced, it is just a transition to your new amazing life. This is the time you don't have to check in if you're going to be late or have to worry about falling in the toilet in the middle of the night because the lid was up. Being single after getting divorce is the time for you to appreciate your life. Plus, you'll only have half the amount of laundry.
You will spend time alone but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Spend time with your friends, your family and make some new friends. Don't be afraid to be your true self and to be brave enough to love again. You have the choice to accept what has happened and find the treasures. You have a new perspective. Figure you out now that way you can create an amazing, single life!
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