Some women look at being single as something to fix. After age 25 and your friends all start to marry, the process of filling that perceived hole in your life begins. Family, friends and co-workers ask if you are dating someone and it feels like something is wrong if you are not in a relationship. You get drawn into the need to find a man that you find it silly to answer the question, “Why do you want love?”
Humans are social creatures and it is natural for you to want to connect and bond with others. Being single can be lonely at times, especially when you get older and your single friends are dropping off the face of the earth into the picket fence lifestyle. You may spend holiday weekends or Saturday evenings alone which can be very isolating and depressing. When you are single, it feels like a couples’ world that you have not received an invitation to yet.
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You may judge yourself harshly for not having a partner and search self-help books and workshops to fix yourself enough so someone would love you. This behavior is akin to walking on a treadmill, analyzing your past, your limitations and fears only to perpetuate what you focus on. If you only found your true love, then you would be okay….healed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a life partner, but you must be clear on why you want a partner so that you can have a healthy relationship that lasts. If you are just filling in a void, you will probably settle for someone that serves that purpose. If you are looking to feel better about yourself, you will attract someone that consistently lets you down. No one can fill you up with confidence; you have to do that job by yourself.
Take a piece a paper out in your journal and write across to the top, “Why do I want love?” and then free-write everything that comes to your mind. You may be surprised at what comes out of you. Do you want to share a wonderful life with someone or do you want him or her to give you something that you perceive you lack?
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Some examples of the hidden desires for relationships are to feel accepted, loved, worthy, or healed. Many singles just don’t want to be alone; they can’t stand themselves and need another person to distract them. Some singles desire love because they are desperate for attention. They want to show off their pretty engagement ring, plan the wedding, and feel like they are part of the couples club. Once the hoopla ends, they are left with a husband that they probably do not love.
In order to find true love, you must get to the root of your desire and what the relationship will serve for you. Unhealthy relationships are created by one or both parties getting involved for selfish reasons to feed their ego and unmet needs. True love is not about having the other person make your life better, but by you being perfectly happy now and wanting to share that happiness. You don’t want to attract someone to “complete” you but to harmonize with you.