Are you trying too hard for love?


Are you trying too hard for love?

You probably heard from your coupled friends the advice, “It will happen when you aren’t looking.” This statement used to infuriate me. How do I stop looking when finding a boyfriend/partner was something I really wanted? Now that I have been working with singles for almost ten years and see the results of my clients and customers, I hate to admit but there is a seed of wisdom in that idea.

Think about the stories of women who are trying to get pregnant. Struggling for years with infertility, using all different types of methods without success, they resolve to adopt. As they refocus their mind on their new adopted baby, they usually get pregnant immediately. This happened to a good friend of mine who tried for seven years. She got pregnant the first month her new adopted son came home. This is a perfect example of the Law of Reverse Effect.

The buzz is all about the law of attraction, but there are so many other laws of the universe that can get in the way of your attraction magnet. One of these laws is the Law of Reverse Effect which states: the more you try, you get the opposite effect. Another way to put it is if you try to force something, you are actually pushing it away from you. You can recall an annoying cling-on person you dated who just tried too hard. The more he/she tried to win your love, the more they turned you off.

Listening to the audios, taking action and really building hope that love is on the way is great. But, all of your efforts will be thwarted if you put too much pressure on the world to deliver your ideal partner to you right now. Some people freak out if they make a mistake, don’t visualize properly when listening to the audios or date the wrong person as if they are going to ruin everything. If you feel tense, your dates will pick up your anxiety and desperation which isn’t very attractive. Releasing the tension around finding a partner could possibly be your only knot left to untie to allow your true love in to your life.

So, how do you let go when you want something? If you try to force yourself to relax you will get caught up in the reverse effect again – hanging on more. The only antidote for trying too hard is developing faith without attachment to when and how your love will appear. Trust that you will find that special person when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy being single and all the benefits you get with independence. Find time to volunteer or take up a hobby that fuels your soul. Discover your version of the “adopt a baby scenario” and, when you aren’t looking so hard, your true love will seem to arrive out of thin air.

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Debi Berndt


Debi Berndt is the co-founder of, a personal development system for singles to stop fixing themselves and finally find true love. She works with her partner, Dr. Robert Maldonado (Psychologist). Their system was developed based on Carl Jung's work and influenced by Eastern Philosophy.  Debi is also the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN. Get your free lecture and meditation - Why you are single and how to find love without fixing yourself here.

Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT
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