Are You Discounting Yourself In Love?


Are You Discounting Yourself In Love?
Do you feel like you are on the clearance shelf, tattered and torn, begging for dates?

Everything in life has a price and you pay a price based a perceived value. Just like selecting a mate, you always attract into your life an exact match to how you much worth you see in yourself. Do you feel like you have been hanging out on the clearance rack, out of style, tattered or used? No one else can make you feel better about yourself. But, you can choose to dust yourself off and determine your own market value in the dating world.

Unfortunately, many singles use their default market value. They learn their worth by how their parents, siblings and peers related to them early in life and carry those ideas into their love life. Continuing into adulthood, they set their significance based on how others treat them. If they are dumped, beaten, cheated or used, they believe they are less and perpetuate the cycle of heartache.

In my twenties, I struggled with my confidence and did not see my worth. I often gave too much of me away in order to earn a man’s love. I remember getting an awesome job at MTV Networks when I was 23 years old. I thought it was really cool to work in television, but more importantly, I thought it would help me be more attractive to men. If I had an interesting job and could get them free tickets to things, then they would like me. Of course, I attracted men who wanted the free perks. They liked the tickets, but didn’t like me because I didn't like me.

When you try to focus on the external to build your self-worth, it is like putting a pretty bow on something at a garage sale to get someone to buy it. No matter what you do, your deep mind communicates your value unconsciously to everyone you date. You may fool them for a while, but eventually you will be found out. The only way to attract what you want is to start within.

You can see what your perceived value is by simply witnessing your relationships with others. Do you find it hard to stand up for yourself or ask for things? Do you push people away who are really nice to you? Do you overcompensate with external things to make yourself more attractive? Each of these situations degrades your self-worth.

If you discount yourself, you will feel like the other person is always on top. You misguidedly believe that they have something you need and that you are incomplete. When you put someone on a pedestal, you can become needy for their attention and approval. Giving them all the power to reject you, you shrink back from your full self-expression.

You are already precious, but your perceived value can be much lower. Escape your default price tag and start seeing yourself as the “prize.” Instead of waiting for someone to finally pick you, put yourself in the decider role by focusing on all of the great benefits he or she will get when they are in relationship with wonderful you. Imagine how happy they will be when they meet you and how lucky they will feel. Turn the tables in your mind and you will see your new, upgraded price reflected back to you in your dating life.

Be your own appraiser and mark yourself up. No matter what happened to you in the past, you are and have always been priceless. Stand up and say “yes” to you and you will find someone who will agree with your assessment.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Debi Berndt


Debi Berndt is the co-founder of, a personal development system for singles to stop fixing themselves and finally find true love. She works with her partner, Dr. Robert Maldonado (Psychologist). Their system was developed based on Carl Jung's work and influenced by Eastern Philosophy.  Debi is also the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN. Get your free lecture and meditation - Why you are single and how to find love without fixing yourself here.

Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT
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