I was digging into my email inbox yesterday when I came across an email I want to share with you. I won't be giving away any personal details, but the lady who emailed me has a problem you may have experienced yourself. I think you could all benefit from the reply I gave her.
Basically, her problem is this:
She's in her late 30s and she's just started dating a guy she likes a lot. He's also in his late 30s and their relationship looks like it's heading into serious waters. The trouble is she has a real problem with intimacy.
Nothing bad has ever happened to her sexually. She was never abused or anything like that, but she finds it very hard allowing herself to let go with a man when the relationship becomes physical. In fact, she's so afraid of intimacy, she's even ended relationships in the past with men who were more sexually demanding, and couldn't understand why she'd freeze up all the time.
Here's my response to her, and any of you who also suffer with fears of intimacy.
There are two steps to overcoming problems with intimacy. The first is to identify what it is you're actually afraid of. What scares you so much about being physical with another human being?
Is it because of a bad experience? Are you worried once you have sex the guy won't be interested in you anymore? Do you have an image or self-esteem issue going on?
Until you understand what's really behind your fears you'll never overcome them. The second thing you need to do is COMMUNICATE!
I've said it so many times. Communication is the key to everything we do in life. If you have issues, you have to discuss them. Get them out of your head, and lay them out on the table. Talk to your lover about what scares you. Tell them what you want sexually. Tell them what you desire. Tell them why you're worried about taking your relationship to the next level.
If your lover doesn't know you have a problem, how is he going to understand why you get all weird with him when he tries to initiate sex?
I remember dating a girl years ago who was allergic to fish, but she never told me. So every time I suggested we go to my favorite seafood restaurant she'd go all crazy on me,and say she was ill, didn't feel like going out, whatever the excuse of the day was.
Then anytime I managed to persuade her to come with me she'd just sit there looking uncomfortable and complain she wasn't hungry, didn't like the chef, or was tired. It was only when I snapped and said, "What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you're allergic to fish," that she actually admitted she was. She knew I loved the place and didn't want to let me down.
All she needed to do was tell me from day one, and I'd never have gone there with her. It's the same with any relationship problem. It doesn't matter whether it's dealing with intimacy, commitment or having friends around to watch football.
Stop bottling it up and deal with it. Remember, intimacy starts in the mind. If your heads full of your fears and monkey chatter, you're never going to enjoy sex or intimacy ever. Guess what happens when you communicate with your lover?