Are You Scared Of Intimacy?

By

Are You Scared Of Intimacy?
You've met a man you like, but you're scared to take things to the next level. Here's what to do.

I was digging into my email inbox yesterday when I came across an email I want to share with you. I won't be giving away any personal details, but the lady who emailed me has a problem you may have experienced yourself. I think you could all benefit from the reply I gave her.

Basically, her problem is this:

She's in her late 30s and she's just started dating a guy she likes a lot. He's also in his late 30s and their relationship looks like it's heading into serious waters. The trouble is she has a real problem with intimacy.

Nothing bad has ever happened to her sexually. She was never abused or anything like that, but she finds it very hard allowing herself to let go with a man when the relationship becomes physical. In fact, she's so afraid of intimacy, she's even ended relationships in the past with men who were more sexually demanding, and couldn't understand why she'd freeze up all the time.

Here's my response to her, and any of you who also suffer with fears of intimacy.

There are two steps to overcoming problems with intimacy. The first is to identify what it is you're actually afraid of. What scares you so much about being physical with another human being?

Is it because of a bad experience? Are you worried once you have sex the guy won't be interested in you anymore? Do you have an image or self-esteem issue going on?


Until you understand what's really behind your fears you'll never overcome them. The second thing you need to do is COMMUNICATE!

I've said it so many times. Communication is the key to everything we do in life. If you have issues, you have to discuss them. Get them out of your head, and lay them out on the table. Talk to your lover about what scares you. Tell them what you want sexually. Tell them what you desire. Tell them why you're worried about taking your relationship to the next level.

If your lover doesn't know you have a problem, how is he going to understand why you get all weird with him when he tries to initiate sex?

I remember dating a girl years ago who was allergic to fish, but she never told me. So every time I suggested we go to my favorite seafood restaurant she'd go all crazy on me,and say she was ill, didn't feel like going out, whatever the excuse of the day was.

Then anytime I managed to persuade her to come with me she'd just sit there looking uncomfortable and complain she wasn't hungry, didn't like the chef, or was tired. It was only when I snapped and said, "What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you're allergic to fish," that she actually admitted she was. She knew I loved the place and didn't want to let me down.

All she needed to do was tell me from day one, and I'd never have gone there with her. It's the same with any relationship problem. It doesn't matter whether it's dealing with intimacy, commitment or having friends around to watch football.

Stop bottling it up and deal with it. Remember, intimacy starts in the mind. If your heads full of your fears and monkey chatter, you're never going to enjoy sex or intimacy ever. Guess what happens when you communicate with your lover? 

Intimacy!

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

David Wygant

Dating Coach

Are you ready to finally find love?

David

www.davidwygant.com

Location: Marina Del Rey, CA
Credentials: Other
Other Articles/News by David Wygant:

10 Crazy Signs You're Falling In Love

By

I want us to forget about all our dating "issues" for one moment today. I want us to forget about the man who broke your heart two years ago, or the guy who took you on the most romantic date ever and then never called you again.I want us to forget about all the pressure, worry and frustration we normally feel about dating, and focus on one simple ... Read more

Girl, Stop Chasing That Guy. He Doesn't Want To Be Your Boyfriend

By

Today, I want to deal with a subject that really bothers me. Tens of thousands of people around the world suffer from "social disease." You may even be suffering with this affliction yourself right now. I'm going to explain what this "affliction" is and show you how to beat it if you're one of the many sufferers worldwide. What ... Read more

What Real Love Means To Me

By

There's nothing better than just spending time on the beach and relaxing. I live in L.A and we have tons of beaches there, but nothing is better than getting out the city for a while. There's nothing like taking the time to connect with friends and loved ones, instead of stressing over some date that went wrong or a guy who didn't call you ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.