When it comes to emotionally unavailable men, you may as well have a bullseye on your back
It may not have occurred to you, but if you are a married woman, be very wary of a sweet-talking single man who offers an understanding ear – and maybe even roaming hands. A married client of mine recently relayed a story of a networking lunch that took an unexpected turn when the man let her know that he was interested in a type of business she had not expected at all. He knew very well that she was married – and a Mom – but that didn’t bother him in the least.
Getting tangled up in a web of deceit
My client is a very attractive woman so it’s no surprise she got this man’s attention. Luckily, she’s also very smart so she declined his offer – but couldn’t help acknowledging that it was somewhat compelling on some levels. Here’s what she didn’t even consider. For an emotionally-unavailable man, a married woman is very easy prey. He’s looking for the excitement and thrills of an illicit relationship with secret rendezvouses, easy sex and all the passion that comes from a world of uncertainty...without any of the “headaches” that come from a real relationship with expectations. And there’s one other factor that makes married women especially susceptible to his advances.
Married women are even easier than single women
An emotionally unavailable man knows that relationships can be difficult; after all, he’s never had a really successful one and doesn’t even WANT one. That’s one of the main appeals of a married woman – he doesn’t HAVE TO do any of the challenging stuff that comes from actually being a partner in a committed relationship. He knows she’s not available either so if she gets too clingy or starts thinking about a future with him, he’s on to the next unsuspecting victim. He knows that the chances are totally in his favor that a married woman will have some unresolved issues with her husband that are easily exploited. He knows that she probably doesn’t get the amount of attention she wants from her husband or partner who is all-in and fully vested 24 hours a day. All the seducer has to do is shower her with attention in a few stolen hours here and there and there’s no comparison whatsoever. By contrast, a single woman would offer him a far greater challenge. She would expect him to man up and actually be present on a day-to-day basis...not just in those lunch-time quickies that seem so appealing in the beginning...but end up feeling so empty and unfulfilling...after the damage is done.
The downsides on the other side
While it admittedly may be appealing to have someone seem so enamored with you...here’s the reality on the other side. Even if you think you can avoid the guilt and shame that come with a “secret” extra-marital affair, there is an emotional cost that is far more powerful than you may expect. Such violations of your own ideals – or even the eventual recognition of what I’ve described here – can unleash serious self-loathing. If you have children, the shame is only magnified because it’s YOUR job to teach your kids how to love effectively and you’ll know at some level that you failed...whether you will admit it or not. Plus in many locations, if your affair comes to light and your partner can prove you were unfaithful in a divorce case, it can have a catastrophic effect on your finances.
The Moral of The Story
The moral of the story here is that I’m not even discussing the morality of an affair. As an adult, you have a right to conduct yourself as you wish. I simply remind you that there is a cost to be paid for your actions...and with my experience in this line of work, it’s likely considerably higher than you may suspect in advance.
Here’s a far happier ending
For my client, this event actually turned into a huge wake-up call that inspired her to get some coaching on how SHE could improve her own marriage – without her husband even being involved – and it’s working! (By the way, it’s also helping in her business, too!) While her marriage wasn’t necessarily bad, this incident revealed some ways in which it could be much better – and she has seen a definite difference. I have helped her to understand her man’s needs much better so she can communicate with him much more effectively. Now she finds him much more attentive and willing to go out of his way to make her happy. She now understands for the first time what needs are most important to her and she no longer makes her husband responsible for her own happiness. Instead, she’s a great deal happier no matter what he does...and strangely enough...he does a lot more for her. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
If you perhaps saw yourself in this scenario, and you’re no longer willing to settle for just a so-so relationship – or even a big, messy and costly divorce – I invite you to reach out to discuss how I can help you turn it all around before it’s too late. You can absolutely transform a relationship – even if only one partner is involved to start. Feel free to contact me and I can tell you how...