I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably thinking that the girlfriend I'm about to warn you about is someone who violates a boundary and ends up having an affair with your man — whether it's planned or not. Actually, that's not what I'm talking about here at all. That's actually one of the oldest stories in the book. In fact, it's so common it's hardly even surprising any more. No, the girlfriend I want to warn you about is not the cheating, backstabbing kind — she's actually your closest girlfriend who usually watches your back. Confused? Let me explain...
The way your best girlfriend will ruin your relationship is by giving you some well-intended, but just flat-out wrong advice. I'm always a little taken back when my clients mention advice from a well-meaning girlfriend and it turns out to be totally wrong. They'll either tell them to keep hanging on when they shouldn't, or bad mouth a good man who deserves better. Then, just out of curiosity, I ask about the relationship status of the girlfriend who gave the advice. More often than not, they're not even in a relationship, or when they are, it's usually short-lived. On those rare instances when the advice-giver is in a relationship, I ask my clients if their relationship is one they'd aspire to have... and the answer is usually an awkward silence.
Are They Trying To Sabotage You?
Here's the thing: these women usually are good, kind, and compassionate souls who really do mean well. In fact, they're simply doing their jobs, so you need to be aware of that. The problem is — they have a slight conflict of interest. Your girlfriend's job is to love you, support you, and watch your back. She's supposed to nurture you and be loyal to the sisterhood and you, her friend. The problem comes when this kind-hearted, well-intentioned bestie doesn't understand men any better than you do. She's got a natural limitation, and her limitation is that she only knows what she knows. If I had a dollar for every woman who tried to read a man's mind or project what he might be thinking — while she's thinking like a woman — I'd be retired and writing this from a sandy beach somewhere. The simple and inescapable truth is that men and women navigate the world totally differently. Men don't think like women, and vice versa. Thank God. If we did, we wouldn't complement one another so well.
Every day, all over the world, women catch up to connect with one another, and have long, intimate conversations about the state of their relationships, and much of what they discuss about men is simply incorrect. You can overhear it in coffee shops, over lunch tables, or anywhere else ladies gather. Between Disney fairy tales, chick flick love stories, and romance novels that are found in the fiction section for a reason... there's a lot of misinformation and just plain nonsense out there.
Let me be clear. This is not meant as an attack on your girlfriends in any way. In fact, I celebrate the role of the sisterhood, and there's nothing more beautiful and sacred in this world than the feminine desire to nurture. It's merely a suggestion to be mindful of the unintended consequences of an action that seems perfectly reasonable, feels good, and has been reinforced by a lifetime of repetition. The point is this: if you want to create something you've never had, find a model, a mentor, or an expert in that area who can help you achieve what you want.
Model, Mentor, or Expert?
A model is someone who has done or achieved what you want to create. Sometimes they're friends you can dialogue with; sometimes it may just be a famous person, or even a fictional character who has the traits, abilities or achievements to which you aspire. You can also find a mentor who can lead the way, shorten your learning curve, and oftentimes, help you prevent the very mistakes they, themselves, made along the way. Obviously, this requires a one-on-one relationship and a commitment on the part of both parties. The other option which is even better still is finding an expert who has a proven track record for getting the result you want for multiple people.
The Best Option
If you're blessed enough to have access to a model, a mentor, and an expert, the very best option would have to be a combination of all three. As a Relationship Coach with a proven track record of success with clients all over the world — and a man who very consistently walks his talk in a beautiful relationship with an amazing woman — I'd be honored to help you get past the self-sabotage, lack of awareness, or whatever else might be preventing you from having all the love you deserve right now. I'm certainly not holding myself out here as perfect, or your only path to achieving what you want. I make mistakes and screw up, too. In fact, that's how I started doing this work in the first place. After my divorce more than 15 years ago, I needed to learn a better way, so that's why I started learning from the best of the best in this field of relationship mastery. I committed to doing the work to learn from my mistakes and the bonus that came with that simple decision is that now I get to help lead the way for so may other amazing people from all over the globe.
So if you're feeling frustrated, or not getting the results you want in your relationships, I invite you to reach out and set up a time to connect. Lucky for you, I can not only give you the support you need, but I can also give you the wisdom, skills and awareness to get unstuck and create the Legendary Love For Life that you deserve.
"From my mom and dad, because they're happily married for a long time: Just listen. Listen to him. I'm so independent and driven and stubborn. Just let him talk. It's about not being so stubborn and having to win every argument. My parents set a great example. They love each other and take care of each other so much."
"It's kind of cheesy, but my mama, who you all have seen on the show, says to cook for your man. She's Southern, so when he comes home, be pullin' a pie out of the oven. That's always been her advice, and you know what? It works. Your man wants to see you in the kitchen, puttin' some love into some food; it works for Eric, that's for sure."
"The best advice I've ever been given is being handed a Bible. That's the blueprint for marriage that we go by, and that's what our marriage is grounded in. We also have other married couples who are examples in our lives. My parents have been married over 40 years, and both sets of grandparents for over 65 years. When you see couples in long-term relationships and you see them go through good times and bad times, you realize it's about being committed enough and loving your partner enough to hang in there regardless."
"My mom told me, "It shouldn't be that difficult." My parents had their moments for sure, but the majority of their relationship has been really great. It shouldn't be that much work to make love work."
"You've got to be good to each other … it really comes back to respect. I was raised in a very Catholic, Italian family and it was all about respect. Don't talk badly about [your partner] the second they walk out the door; really preserve your relationship and be good to each other. Treat it like gold."
"Don't lie to your partner. Ultimately the expression on your face gives you away, and they feel betrayed by the lie. If this is the person you're going to be with—forever and ever, for better or worse—they will love you for all of your good and all of your bad. They'll love you for you. So open communication is key. I have no secrets and no skeletons in my closet with my husband, and I love that. I feel comfortable and at ease with myself when I'm around him. I love the woman that I've become with him."
"I think the best love advice I've ever received is really about understanding that communication is key, of course, but also that there's not one perfect person for you. You kind of have to accept what are the things that are negotiable for you and what are not."
"My mom always told me, "Whatever happens, will happen" or 'Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen." I've learned you'll know when you find the right person. When I found the right person, I knew it immediately."
18. The Five Love Languages Author Dr. Gary Chapman
"Before I discovered the concept of the 5 love languages, a bit of advice I was given was to become a student of my wife and to take time to learn what makes her feel loved. I soon learned that what makes her feel loved may not always be the thing I want to do because it may not come natural to me. But learning to love her in the way that makes her feel loved is a greater demonstration of my love for her, because I've chosen to do it with a goal of pleasing her."
"Pay attention to the girl, instead of myself. A bunch of people [told me that]. It's terrible. I'm very into myself, so people are always like, "Pay attention to the other person. Don't ever separate yourself." It's a good lesson. I'm learning. I'm doing good."
"Don't get divorced after your first argument! I have a lot of friends that have one fight and that's it, they get divorced. I go, 'Wait a minute! Oh my gosh, you guys! Calm down! You'll forget in three days what you were fighting about. I promise. So just let it marinate a little bit—that's my best love advice."
21. The Real Housewives of Miami's Adriana de Moura
"When I was about 15, [my grandmother] said something I will always remember: 'Love comes before money.' I will never let anything like greed come between us when it comes to love. She was married to my grandfather for 70 years. It's very hard to have a long-term relationship and if you're not sure, it's not going to last. Make sure that you truly love."
"If you're looking for love, focus on something you love to do and work hard. Love will find you. Basically, love yourself before you love anyone else. A lot of girls have such insecurities nowadays that you have to be comfortable with who you are before you can really have a good relationship with someone else."
"Love advice is like life advice, so there are so many elements of that. I think humor, patience, admiration are really important love elements. Love and respect. You have to respect the person that you're going to love, and you have to be confident in yourself and love yourself."
'Think about how much you'd miss that if he were gone tomorrow.' This is my senior producer's advice in my ear during our news show if I'm grumbling about my hubby, whether about his habit of leaving dirty clothes around, or the way he goes into la la land while I'm talking with him, or that he wakes me up being loud overnight. How true! Heaven forbid, but if something ever happens to our loved ones, oh how we'd long for them to be back, and their little aggravating habits would be something cherished.
"On the other hand the best love advice I've ever given is: Gals, don't marry someone for their looks. Sooner or later we all age and start to droop. Don't marry someone for their position and don't marry someone for money. Money comes and goes, and since when is that love? Marry someone because they make you laugh. Humor is always sexy. Besides, it's awfully hard to get mad at someone while they're making you laugh."
30. The Real Housewives of New York's Heather Thomson
"Well, it's one of the oldest. It really is paradoxical, but it's true: You just can't go to bed mad. You have to make up, because there's only one alternative, and that alternative is not being together. So, my husband and I always decide we might as well make up, whether we agree to disagree or not. We understand we are individuals and that together we're unbelievably powerful and that we have a family that is the most important thing, and that I wouldn't trade him for the world. So, love is about give and take, and love is about understanding that you're individuals and together as a couple, you're the strongest there ever is ifyou're in the right couple."
"I was going to say, 'It's work, relationships take work,' but that makes it sound like relationships are hard, that they're work. Rebecca and I have always gotten along really well. We've always had a really strong connection. I'm the last guy that should be giving people advice on love, that's for sure. But I have a great marriage. I just got lucky, I guess."
"I lost my dad back in the fall, and my dad said something to me a long time ago. He said, 'Are you happy with who you are now?' because we just had a real serious talk. And I said, 'Yeah.' He said, 'Then you can't regret what got you to where you are. So whatever you do and whatever mistakes you make, learn from them and grow. And just always treat people with kindness,' which I've tried to do."
"My mom always used to say, "You can't say I love you before you can say I." And I think that sort of makes sense."
Dave Elliott is a Relationship Expert and Coach who works with clients all over the world. If you're serious about attracting, creating or maintaining the fulfilling relationship of your dreams, contact Dave for a free consultation or check out his work online. He is the founder of Legendary Love For Life and the creator of The ManMagnetics Formula.™
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