The first thing to remind yourself of, when it comes to relationships, is that you cannot control or change someone else. With that being said, matters of the heart are probably the most difficult challenges we can have, because they involve another person—someone who has his own opinions, wants, and needs, and who will make his own choices, regardless of what you may want him to do or believe he should do.
If you’re in the crux of a failing marriage, you need to ask yourself, “What is it that I truly want?”
Do you really want to save this relationship? Do you really want this partner? If so, why?
You need to get very clear on why you want this union to work. You need to muster up all the fuel it takes to stay in a place of courage, willingness, and acceptance. List all the wonderful qualities he or she has, and the ways he or she adds to your life-force.
Once you are very clear on what you want, ask yourself: “What would courage have me do?”
Anger will not serve you. Self-righteousness will not serve you. Jealousy will not serve you. Crying, blaming, whining, bitching, or “guilt-ing” the other person to stay or change, will not serve you.
The kind of courage I’m talking about would tell you to love and honor yourself; courage to trust in yourself that you will only make choices that build your character and strengthens the sanctity of your relationship. It wouldn’t tell you to save the world, save your partner, or fix those around you. Just like no one is coming to save you—you can’t save him either. He has to save himself. Besides, who knows if it’s really he who needs the saving??
Refocus your energy on yourself (and not with bitterness or anger—but on loving yourself, treating yourself well, exercising, eating well, going out with friends who add to your life-force, taking up activities that light you up, and getting yourself financially independent). Then, when you are with your spouse, you will resonate at a higher level. You will look at him through different lenses and one of three things will happen:
1. He will love the person you are becoming and will want to join you in your new outlook. He will be inspired by your greatness—your gentleness and understanding. He will begin to change and will soon shine more brightly. Your marriage will soar.
2. He will not change and you will know that you can’t change him, but with your new found self-love, you won’t be so focused on his “flaws.” You will “live and let live”. Your marriage will not be the center of your life—you will be—but it will be a wonderful part of your life.
3. He will not change and you will have risen to such an empowered, beautiful place that you will lovingly set him free and set yourself free. You are both entitled to be happy and to be with someone who loves unconditionally!