Part I: Turning Infidelity Shock to Healing
For most, the shock of a spouse’s infidelity is heart wrenching. For some, the pain is so intense that thoughts of suicide arise. For many, the ability to trust anyone is shattered. With a California psychotherapy practice and a global relationship coaching practice, I have helped people to heal. On the other side of unbearable pain is a solution. Broken-heart help is available. Your aching will end. You can heal from infidelity. Fulfillment will return when you take the right steps.
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Many people do not know how to recover from the disappointment of infidelity. With adequate support and right tools, you will. No problem is too big to solve when you have good support. Having worked with hundreds of people around the globe, both singles and couples, I have seen devastation turn into peace. Those who have healed from a broken-heart, due to infidelity, have taken the following steps.
1. Return to Gratitude
No matter what happened, returning to gratitude will set the ground work for positive transformation. One who is consumed by betrayal and despair can take a moment to focus on appreciation. Think about everyone and everything for which you feel thanks. Notice what changes inside you, after a few minutes of re-focusing in this way. Notice shifts in your heart, your body, your emotions, and your mind.
This may feel dramatically different or it may feel like a baby step. It may even feel too subtle to make a difference. Keep it up. Tiny shifts lead to complete shifts over time. It’s like working out at the gym. You are working out your gratitude muscle. It will change you.
Now stretch a little further. Focus on anything you do appreciate about the person who betrayed you. This is not to excuse what happened as being okay. This is simply a way of building a foundation that will allow for forgiveness and healing.
Last but not least, appreciate yourself. You have been through a challenging occurrence. When you are hurt by another’s actions, you are more susceptible to self-hatred. Self-hatred breed a lessening in self-confidence. Remedy this by reminding yourself of your good virtues. Appreciate yourself. Over time, self-appreciation can regrow your faith in life.
2. Clarify your Purpose.
This is very important. When hurt, we tend to think about the problem. Recycling the problem can escalate the pain. If you can focus on the solution you seek, you will naturally head toward answers.
Most likely, if you are in pain, you seek peace. Perhaps you seek joy. Maybe you seek neutrality. You probably seek being loved. Be honest. You are in pain because you received the opposite of what your heart desires. If you can clarify what your heart desire’s in one word, you are on your way to experiencing what you seek.
Infidelity is a sign that something is off. It may be that the person who lied to you had a problem long before he or she met you. It may be that you and that person co-created a problem over time. Either way, you will have to decide if healing the relationship is desired, or if healing yourself and moving on is preferred. This is an individual choice that will require time, and support from a nonjudgmental witness such as a counselor or coach. If your positive purpose is your focus, you will arrive at the right answer for yourself in good time. If the problem remains your focus, you will have trouble leaving the devastation, disappointment, and frustration cycles behind.
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