Therapist Colette Malan (CST,LCSW)
Does this scenario ever play out in your marriage:
Your partner/husband: “What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t you attracted to me?”
“What?” Taken back. “I am attracted to you.”
“No you’re not. When was the last time we made love?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been keeping track. It hasn’t been that long,” You defend...
“Well, I have been keeping track, and it has been that long.”
Mental note: make love more often to my husband.
“And why is it that I’m the only one that initiates lovemaking? You never come onto me.”
Another mental note: Initiate lovemaking.
For many couples, this is the first of many conversations (or maybe arguments) had over sex. Almost weekly, some couples have “the talk” about how to improve and increase the frequency of their sexual connections. But often it’s not enough…
“Can we talk?” He asks… The dread of this pending conversation washes over like an icebath.
“I really appreciate you. We’ve been having sex more often, and you’ve been initiating more, but . . .”
“But what?!” As the blood rises in your body. We were going to have “the talk” again.
Nervously he says: “I don’t see that look in your eyes – that look that says: I want you.”
That’s it! Angry, exasperated, frustrated the thoughts rush through you: “It’s not enough that I have sex when I don’t really want to. Now I’ve got to have that look in my eyes too!”
Cornered and backed up against the wall, the realization that it’s not enough to just have sex, but there has to also be desire is the real issue. Because for many women, they don’t want sex. Sex is an effort to make him happy, not to satisfy something inside of you. In relationships like this, love is not the problem. Sexual appetite and desire are.
As a woman experiencing this painful realization, it can make you feel defective, inadequate, isolated and alone. As much as you wish the problem would go away, it’s not. It can make you question the very stability and future of your marriage.
I know, because I’ve been there. My name is Colette Malan and I’m a psychotherapist, marriage counselor and certified sex therapist. Relationships have always been important to me. The one thing I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that I’d do with my life is to become a sex therapist. Yet here I am, a Utah based sex therapist on a crusade to help couples have happier love lives. My mission is clear: helping women to discover and revel in their authentic sexual desire.
If you are a woman struggling with low sexual desire, know that you are not alone. I know what it’s like to lose your sexual desire and feel like there is something wrong with you. I can help you turn your libido back on. For me, my sexual desire is now every bit as strong as my husband’s, if not stronger. If you would like to talk to me, to learn the steps, please call me at 801-334-7217 or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. We can do a free consultation to determine what your needs are and how you can get the help you want. I offer individual, couple, and family counseling. If you live outside my area, no problem, I can do phone or skype sessions with you.
You may not want to have sex, but because of your love for your husband, you may feel motivated to find an answer to this challenge. If that’s the only spark of incentive you have, that’s enough for now. That’s the first step of the path towards reconnecting with your authentic libido. Call me or visit my website at www.relationshiphealth.org at any time for help and to get on the path to a healthier relationship with your own sexual desire.
Therapist Colette Malan
Therapist Colette Malan