You won't get it over a breakup until you FEEL the emotions.
He couldn’t stop the pain by trying to get her back; he loved her, but he also knew they weren’t right for each other. His only focus was moving on, but he was stuck, emotionally paralyzed from what he perceived as a great trauma.
Don’t get me wrong, break ups are traumatic, especially if you’ve been dating someone for a long time or you still genuinely love them. This is why getting over a break up isn’t an immediate process: it’s hard to get over someone you still want to be under. And that is, perhaps, the first mistake many people make – trying to find some immediate relief from something that hurts so bad.
Some people do this by drinking; they grab a bottle of wine (or 20) and drink until they’ve numbed the pain. Others do this by engaging in meaningless sex with a stranger (or 20); they jump in bed with whoever is available merely to fill a void. Some even go one step further and find a rebound. But, while all of these activities can offer immediate relief, they only hurt in the long run.
This is because the pain will continue to chase you, and, eventually, it will find you. When it does, it may be too late.
You see, running from the pain doesn’t only cause you to avoid this pesky thing called reality, but it also closes your heart, something that can be very problematic when the right person comes along (and they will come along). You may also be so driven by the fear of losing that person that you’ll refuse to take risks, be vulnerable or let yourself believe in happy endings with this new love.
You’ll never allow yourself to fully commit to the relationship emotionally out of fear of having to face the same pain you dealt with from the past.
Without an “all in” approach, a relationship is like an empty soda can sitting on top of a fence post; the slightest wind will blow it over.
So instead of running from the pain, turn around, and face it head on. Even flip it off if you need to.
One of the oldest adages in the English language is “face your fears,” and this is applicable to love, even when that love involves loss. What you face and confront now makes you stronger and deeper and gives you the know-how to handle loss in the future when there is even more at risk.
Even in unions with the most solid foundations, there are hard times. There’s outside stressors that weigh in. Bad things happen: parents die, jobs are lost, tragedies may ensue. You will not find a relationship where things are 100 percent great 100 percent of the time. Facing the trauma of the breakup you’re presently dealing with now, grants you the tools and hardiness to gracefully handle, in the future trauma that comes along.
In a way, the pain of your breakup is a gift. Yes, it’s a gift you don’t want, and there may not be a return policy, but it’s a gift, nonetheless. So, how do you embrace this gift?
Well, first of all, make a conscious effort to embrace it — put down the wine and toss out the Ben and Jerry’s.
Shift your perspective from one of wanting to run blindly through this pain to the other side, to one of being curious, one of continuing to open in the teeth of uncertainty and fully allowing this breakup to hollow you out, increasing your bandwidth to feel and experience love. ... You may just be earning a Ph.D. in the matters of your own heart, and walk away with a new mastery of your emotions, that is if you want it.
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