Will the advice you get from our family and friends harm or benefit you in the long run?
You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller-coaster, during and after your divorce. You are grieving over the death of your marriage as well as your hopes and dreams for the future. It is a very traumatic time, yet it is vital that you make life-changing decisions as you go through the process in order to secure your future.
Many women make the big mistake of listening to their family and friends during this distressing time. Those closest may have the best of intentions, they often give advice that may decrease your chances of getting a fair deal and prolong the healing phase. It is best to only discuss specifics of your divorce with an attorney and financial analyst. Seeking out a skilled divorce coach or therapist will be able to assist you in sorting out your feelings and clearing your head which will allow you to make the best decisions based on your circumstances.
Here are some of the worst divorce advice women have received:
1) Clean out the bank accounts
This may lead to some harsh words and punishment from a judge. Many experts recommend getting a copy of the balance on the separation date and then possibly putting half of it in a separate account.
2) Revenge is sweet
Destroying or selling his personal property may give you some unwanted legal problems, fines and possibly even jail time. Find a safer way to vent your anger and frustration, such as speaking to a skilled divorce coach. Remember, two wrongs NEVER make a right.
3) Lock him out of the house
This may be against the laws of the state you live in. Discuss your options with an attorney and follow the legal process of securing your home for yourself. If there a threat of physical harm to you or your children, call the police.
4) Take him to the cleaners
The only reason you would want to do this is to make him pay a hefty price for hurting you. It stems from lack of forgiveness. You are wanting to punish him and erroneously believe taking him to the cleaners will make you feel better. Discuss this situation with your divorce coach or therapist.
5) The attorney will handle everything
You are not the attorney’s only client. For the best outcome in your divorce, do some research on the laws in the state you reside. Ask your attorney questions. Gather the documents he requests. It is your life and your responsibility to be your attorney’s partner during the divorce process. Remember, just because a particular attorney was a good fit for your best friend, it doesn’t mean that he is a good fit for you.
6) The judge will rule in your favor
No one has a crystal ball that enables them to predict the future. Ask yourself, why would you even want to go in front of a judge? That only brings out the very worst in both parties and is giving up control of your life. It is always best to agree on the division of your finances and assets. A mediator or collaborative attorney may save time, money and headaches.
7) Drag the divorce on
This advice is often given to women whose ex’s have another girl lined up and is planning on getting married as soon as the divorce is final. Dragging the divorce on is a form of punishment for the ex. Forgive your ex, speak to a divorce coach or therapist about moving on with your own life. Your life with him is over and it is important to accept it.
8) Prevent him from seeing the kids
Using the children as a bargaining chip to get what you want only hurts the kids. Your children are not pawns. They have the right to love and be a part of both of their parent’s lives. According to Rosalind Sedacca of Child Centered Divorce, you should ask yourself, “Do I love my child, more than I hate my ex,” for every decision that you make.
9) Go back to your maiden name
This is a very personal decision. It doesn’t matter what other people think. Weigh the pros and cons of keeping your married name, such as because it’s the name your children have. Changing your name is a hectic process and you may not feel like dealing with extra stress at this time.
10) You’re better off without him
In an attempt to console you, meaningful friends often make you feel worse. Right at this moment, you may not feel like you are better off without him. You are still trying to grasp that divorce is a looming reality. You may still love him. Hearing demeaning statements about him, might push you into a protective mode.
Hearing “Congratulations” or “Let’s party,” may not be what you need. Some women release their emotions by partying like there’s no tomorrow. While others need to be alone, cry or talk out the barrage of emotions they are feeling with a divorce coach or therapist.
12) God hates divorce
Well-meaning family and friends may try to talk you out of divorce by saying you are supposed to stick it out – regardless of the situation or scare you by saying that you will go to hell for getting a divorce. God is love. Why would a loving being want you to be miserable? You know how hard you tried to save your marriage. You know what is best for you in your situation. Don’t be swayed by what other people believe.
Women that take the time to be an active participant in their divorce by questioning and securing an attorney that mesh’s with their personality, getting financial advice from experts and seeking out a skilled divorce coach or therapist to aid them in healing, have less regrets surrounding their decisions in the years to come.
For more information on healing during and after divorce visit www.SupportForDivorcedWomen.com.
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