The 6 Steps To Total Divorce Recovery


The 6 Steps To Total Divorce Recovery
Why leaving your post-divorce happiness up to passing time is the wrong move.

There is a recovery process when you go through a divorce. Some experts have stated that a divorce is the most stressful period of a woman's life — even more stressful than death. When you go through a divorce, it seems that most of the advice people give you is the number one myth about your divorce recovery — "Time heals all wounds."

Do you really believe that time will heal all of the wounds from your marriage and divorce? Is it possible that the pain gets hidden or fades into the background due to life itself? How does time heal anything?


Valerie was physically abused by her mother. At the tender age of 10, Valerie drew an ugly picture of her teacher and her mom and got called into the principal's office. Later, that evening at home, her mother flew into a fit of rage, kicking Valerie to the ground and stomping on her hand and wrist. It was obvious that Valerie's wrist was broken, however her mother refused to take her to the doctor. Valerie knew better than to cry in front of her mother, as this would have made the situation worse.

In time, the physical pain stopped. In time, Valerie could use her hand, though it did not work at 100 percent, and it was never "healed." To this day, Valerie has many limitations due to her hand, such as not being able to lay her hand straight and a hard time grasping certain objects. It also serves as a reminder of the abuse she suffered as a child. With the proper medical treatment, Valerie's hand could have been fully restored. With the proper guidance and support, you, too, can be fully healed from the pain you endured during your marriage and divorce. Believing that the pain will go away in time will just set you up for more heartache in the future.

There are scars you may develop by believing "time can heal all wounds." Complete divorce recovery includes loving yourself, gaining self-confidence, and forgiveness. A woman who does not take time to discover who she is and what she wants out of life may be setting herself up for meeting and falling in love with a man just like her ex, just with a different name and different looks. This often happens to women who believe they need a man in their life in order to be happy and whole.

Trying to ignore the pain of your divorce, shoving it inside and acting like it doesn't matter doesn't work either. This leads you to be a ticking time-bomb. Something will happen, and you will explode for no apparent reason. Then you will wonder why you acted that way, not realizing that the pain you ignored, had to come out one way or another. Hiding your pain, ends up as stress, which can create a host of physical problems.

Other women, may drown their sorrow with food, drugs or alcohol, which creates new problems and challenges to face. Drug and alcohol addiction is a dangerous road to go down, and will lead to its own set of challenges. Eating too much will make you gain weight, which in turn will leave you feeling less attractive, less worthy and undeserving of love — even love of yourself.

Becoming Whole And Happy With Divorce Recovery:

  1. Allow Yourself To Grieve: Completely feeling your emotions is the only way to heal them. Because you don't want to feel bad, this can be a difficult step to follow. However, it's just as necessary as the pain a doctor causes when he sets a broken arm.
  2. Learn From Your Past: Take responsibility for everything that you did during the marriage — even if it was doing nothing. You are 100 percent responsible for your thoughts and emotions. No one can make you feel any way. You feel the way you do because of the story you tell yourself.
  3. Forgive Your Ex, Forgive The Other Woman And Forgive Yourself: Forgiveness sets you free and allows you to enter the next chapter of your life with a clean slate. Holding anger and spite only damages you — why would you want to hurt yourself?
  4. Discover Who You Are And What You Really Want Out Of Life: During a marriage, we all lose little pieces of ourselves. We may want some of these pieces back after the divorce. It is up to you to decide what pieces you want to throw away and which ones you want to keep. You are in control of your life.
  5. Accept What You Cannot Control: There is only one thing in this universe that you can control — yourself. You can control your thoughts and your actions. You control how you will and will not allow others to treat you. Byron Katie teaches us that there are three types of businesses: mine, yours and God's. Stop getting into God's and other peoples' business and concentrate on yourself. When you fill your own cup, then and only then will you be able to freely give to others. 
  6. Take Care Of Yourself: Continiously nourish your mind, body and soul with prayer and/or meditation, reading, learning, playing, exercise, healthy foods and sleep.

Visit to discover where you are in the divorce recover process and find out the next steps for you to take based on where you are right now.

More divorce coach advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Cindy Holbrook

Divorce Coach

Find out where you are in the recovery process, visit now. And Discover how you can quickly grieve the death of your marriage and the loss of your hopes and dreams, so that you can move forward with Peace, Confidence and Clarity as you discover the magnificent woman within!

Wishing you a life full of Peace and Happiness!

Cindy Holbrook

Location: Ridgecrest, CA
Credentials: CPC
Specialties: Divorce/Divorce Prevention
Other Articles/News by Cindy Holbrook:

Solitude Or Loneliness? Being Comfortable Alone Post-Divorce


Just because you've recently been divorced does not mean that your life is over. However, when asked what her greatest fear is during and after a divorce, women often answer "being alone." Letting go of these fears is a part of the divorce recovery process. Once you have grieved the death of your marriage, there is no reason that you can't ... Read more

7 Ways To Trust Your Intuition After Divorce


Many women find it difficult to trust their intuition during and after a divorce. This may be because they have not completed their divorce recovery. It is important for you to learn to trust your intution in order to move forward after divorce with peace, confidence and clarity. The definition of intuition is "direct perception of truth, fact, etc., ... Read more

Stronger Than Yesterday: 5 Ways Divorce Can Empower You


Going through your divorce is probably one of the most trying times in your life. It's hard to imagine that it might actually make you stronger (and happier). However, when you get through this dark tunnel, the light you'll come into will be so bright and radiant and wonderful that you'll feel like a brand new you. YES, it really is possible to ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular