Take your time and enjoy the moment.
What makes a great lover?
Great lovers can come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, cultural backgrounds, and gender expressions. What makes a great lover isn't a particular body part or black book full of past lovers. A great lover is made by a certain attitude about sex and pleasing their partner. Anyone can learn to embrace the qualities of an attentive lover to create a deeper, more pleasurable experience for both people.
Why is important to be a more attentive lover?
Having sex with your significant other has a variety of positive, healthy benefits for your relationship. You have the opportunity to create a deeper connection, to know your partner on a deeper, more intimate level. You can strengthen your relationship by renewing your interest, passion, and desire for each other. Sex is also life affirming, helps raise your self-esteem, and regulate your moods. But having sex with an inattentive, boring, or even selfish partner negates many of these benefits.
Therefore, the 3 qualities of a great lover are:
1. They Pay Attention to What Works
A great lover notices what makes their partner feel good. They notice groans of pleasure, gasps, giggles, heated gazes, and other indications their partner is enjoying what they're doing to or with them. Being a talented lover is like being a talented chef. You don't always follow the recipe; instead, you improvise to create something even more delicious based on individual tastes. You add a little more this and a little less that. It drives her wild when you kiss the inside of her elbows so you add more of that and less of the dirty talk that embarrasses her.
Don't worry about noticing everything, every time. The beautiful thing about being in a relationship with someone is you have time to get to know them. Try to notice one or two new things every time you're intimate and incorporate what you learn into your repertoire of loving making tools.
In addition, a great lover isn't shy about letting their partner know what they like too. Make appreciative noises when she does something you enjoy. You'll both find sex much more pleasurable when you're being more attentive to each other's needs.
2. They Know How to Take Their Time
Sure, sometimes we all want a "quickie." We have a limited amount of time and we just need a release. However, in general, women need some extra time and attention to let go — either to feel sexual at all, to be able to enjoy sex, or feel orgasmic.
Great lovers know how to take their time with their partners. They know how to give their partners time to warm up, to feel sexual, and spend A LOT of time on foreplay. They are playful and sexual throughout the day with their partner because being intimately connected with your partner isn't just for the bedroom during sex. Like Esther Perel says in her 2013 TED Talk, "Foreplay begins at the end of the previous orgasm." Perel suggests you should cultivate an attitude of sexual play in your daily life together. This could be intimate touching, sexting, kissing, stroking, and other sexual interactions meant to charge your sexual connection long before you reach the bedroom.
3. They Are Playful & Adventurous
Sex doesn't have to be serious. Even deep, emotionally connected love making can be fun, playful, and exciting. When long term couples complain that sex isn't exciting anymore or they don't feel as passionate towards their partner, it's often because sex has become a boring activity. Think about it: when you first got together, everything was new and exciting. You explored each other's bodies, desires, and fantasies. Each of you brought different levels of experience to the bedroom. Maybe you introduced her to new positions and she introduced you to blindfolds and sensory play. It all felt like an amazing sexy adventure.
Great lovers understand that even the best sex can become boring over time if it's always exactly the same. To sustain the passion and excitement you need to cultivate an attitude of playfulness with your partner. Take chances and try new things. Start viewing your sex life as a place to explore your connection with yourself and your partner in new and interesting ways. Try new positions, toys, and activities like role play or reading erotica together. Also explore by trying to bring different emotions into the experience. Laugh during sex, exchange energy through tantra, or incorporate power play where you can explore darker emotions and desires.
Being more sexually adventurous will require you to be willing to move outside of your comfort zone but it’s worth it. Great sex requires some uncertainty. Not knowing what will happen or how it will turn out adds to the excitement. It fuels sexual energy and makes you feel more passionate about your partner. Learn to become open to new experiences even if it challenges you to let go of some control and comfort. You'll enjoy sex more, deepen your connection, and sustain a passionate relationship!
Creating an Intentionally Passionate Relationship
Great lovers aren't born, they're made. They choose to be more attentive to their partners, take their time, and get out of their comfort zone to create new experiences. You can intentionally choose to cultivate the same attitude and enjoy better sex right now regardless of how you've had sex with your partner in the past. A few simple changes can revitalize your sex life almost overnight, leaving you both feeling more passionate and satisfied in your relationship.
This article was originally published at Lesbian Love Guru. Reprinted with permission from the author.