What is the number one key to a relationship that most singles leave at the door when they date?
By Christian Anderson — Written on Oct 05, 2012
The #1 Key to Attracting an Amazing Relationship
There are a myriad of ways to get ourselves out there to attract a good mate into our lives. The 21st Century has afforded almost every way possible to mingle with the opposite sex. If you are socially active, you can make sure that you are out and about every chance you get and can strategize which locations and functions best match the values of the person you are seeking. If you prefer a digital wingman, you can fill out a 17 page questionnaire on several dating sites to increase the chances of finding that special one who is also looking for a relationship. You can also lean on your friends to be set-up, or, go one step further, and hire yourself a matchmaker. All of these strategies can be very effective and put you in the driver seat for meeting your life long partner.
HOWEVER, all of that work will be in vain if you do not take care of one thing before entering the dating market. There is one relationship that we sometimes leave at the front door when we date, and that is the most important one of all…with OURSELVES.
Corny? You bet. Necessary? Absolutely.
When we slack on developing a healthy relationship with ourselves, then who knows what we will bring to a relationship, and furthermore, who we will attract?
If our reason to get into a relationship is “to complete” ourselves as Jerry Maguire taught us, then all of our happiness and fulfillment is resting on the shoulders of this other person. Not only does it set the stage for co-dependency, but an incredible amount of pressure for the relationship.
If our reason to get into a relationship is to validate ourselves in our family’s eyes since we are still single, then we will be constantly seeking validation from this other person, whom we have no control over.
When we look for completion or self-validation or self-confidence from a relationship, all of our energy is pointed outwards and reveals what we are missing within ourselves. Beyond creating a co-dependent relationship, it can also lead us to attracting mates based on need instead of choice.
For example, a need for validation can lead one to purposefully be attracted to a wounded soul in hopes that they can be their fixer. Playing “the fixer” can create a sense of self-validation that is missing internally. Is this wounded soul truly the best match or do they just fulfill a need and void within the self?
The question to ask amongst all of this is what am I seeking in another person that potentially is reflective of what is missing within my own self? If you discover a few answers, then ask yourself how you can begin to provide that need for yourself, without the assistance of another person.
For instance, if you need your mate to tell you how beautiful you are on a daily basis, how can you develop your own daily dose of self worth and beauty? If you feel that getting a boyfriend will make you feel more complete, how can you, in the meantime, create a statement that boldly says how you are already complete just by being your awesome self?
These answers expose the truths inside all of us that create the tremendous self confidence that not only makes us feel pretty darn good, but also, attracts one heck of a mate. When we ask ourselves what are our biggest needs and solve them ourselves, then we go into the dating world brimming with self love and make a decision on a partner based on choice, as opposed to need. We will make better choices in a mate since we are no longer looking to fill a void. Instead, we are ready to take off on a wonderfully shared journey of experiences and growth. We bring our best selves to the table and have a keen eye for a good match, since we know we are one heck of a catch, and should not accept crumbs.
Take some time to go over your “needs” and ask if they can be fulfilled by yourself. Go over the key characteristics that you need in a partner and see if they are representative of anything you might be lacking inside. We all have our needs, and, of course, we find great solace, comfort, and strength in our partners. However, when we become dependent upon them to “complete” ourselves, quite often, we do not get the Hollywood ending that we often see on the big screen.
Seize Thyself,
Christian