Does out of sight, out of mind hold true for breakups?
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You've removed any pre-breakup photos from your frames, packed up every picture, re-gifted your teddy bears and torn up your love notes! So why after virtually erasing your ex are you still struggling to mend your broken heart? Despite your efforts to rid your environment of every physical aspect of your ex, relationships leave you with emotional inventory that can’t be cleared with a keystroke like the history cache on your computer.
In my book, Thank Goodness You Dumped His Ass, I call it resetting. Resetting not only restores your focus, peace and enthusiasm; it recaptures your heart and positions you with the wisdom to attract the relationship you really want with power! How do you mend your broken heart swiftly and effectively? Start by understanding these three points:
1. Every relationship is a lesson.
Your ex showed you what you like, what you don’t like as well as what you want and need to feel fulfilled in a relationship. Trying to erase your ex suggests you wasted your time and makes you think about your ex more not less, so recycle the info you gained by using it to improve future relationships.
2. Your emotions and logic are rarely in the same place at the same time —especially after a break up.
Being on the mend means you undoubtedly feel an emotional pull that’s out of sync with what you mentally grasp about the situation. Accept this and know that your logic coupled with your desire to get over your ex is your greatest tool in recovering your heart. Use your logic to make your choices and know that your emotions will eventually catch up.
3. A major portion of the pull you feel after your breakup is not related to your ex, it’s related to what you wanted and imagined experiencing in the future with your ex.
This is another reason why “out of sight” does not translate into “out of mind.” Whether you’ve spent years or weeks together, it’s common to project future events. It happens effortlessly often without conscious realization, which increases the feeling of loss. Take solace in knowing more than your ex is pulling at your heartstrings. Coming up with new plans, solo or not is a great way to speed up your healing.
With those three reality checks out of the way, it’s time to reset. Here’s what you should cut out and why:
1. Cut all social media ties!
There’s a reason they call it following. You must stop following, tracking and infiltrating your ex’s daily routine. This is a crucial. Unfriend on facebook, unfollow on twitter. Staying connected to any of your ex’s social media sites is unequivocally walking the fence between spying and stalking. It also means you’re spending precious moments of your life... watching your ex live theirs. You get enough of that with reality TV. Check out breakupwithyourex.com for more on this.
2. Cut all “deliberate” communication.
Any communication initiated by you is deliberate. Remove your ex’s number from your phone. Honestly, if you wish to move on there’s no reason not to. You can send any unrecognized calls to voicemail, so stop fooling yourself. This is about helping you mend your broken heart pronto! If you and your ex have a mutual sighting, be cordial yet brief because refraining from saying hello in this situation only prompts you deliberately communicate so you can apologize for not communicating. It’s like quick sand, don’t get sucked in.
3. Remove your ex’s photos from display areas.
Reframe the way you see your ex by de-framing display photos of you together. Keep the photos in a box. Once you can use your logic to prevent you from rationalizing a reason to reach out, go ahead and peak at them... strategically. After my last breakup, I glanced at mine to reflect on what was great, what wasn’t great and what I wanted to attract in my next relationship. Being clear about what the deal breakers were enabled me to cherish the good stuff while staying in touch with emotions I wanted to enjoy in a future relationship. You can do the same to reset faster.
4. Friendly versus Friendship.
The amicable “let’s stay friends” breakup scenario has more emotional nooks and crannies than most care to admit. Need a sign? If the thought of your ex alters your state of being, the relationship is NOT yet behind you. Such a thing is possible only when you no longer feel romantic, or “un” friendly feelings. Until that day comes, be friendly from afar!
Mending a broken heart takes time, however taking the above steps will not only recapture your heart, they’ll reset you for love! Your emotions WILL catch up. Remember that you miss the promise of the future you imagined even more than your ex, so fill in the void with some new goals and plans.
Speed up your emotional reset by letting go of all social media connections and temptations to follow your ex’s daily interests instead of your own. When memories of your ex come to mind, don’t try to bury them. Instead reflect on what was positive while quickly reminding yourself of what wasn’t so you can recycle what you learned into a better relationship. Visit my website for some great video tips that will position you for love. Cheers to healing your heart strings pronto! The best of life and love await you!