There's actually an answer to this question. Love is hard because it's what the script calls for. Say what? What script? Great question.
My answer will take you through the wee hours of the other night and the unlikely thought I had while waiting for my beloved Bodhicattva to let me sleep again.
Here's the gist: The psyche has keys the same way music does. It is organized into distinct patterns, each of which has its own characteristic mood, boundaries, and internal connections and 'laws.' Broadly stated (and this is way oversimplified), the psyche has two keys.
- The first is the key of E. The key of ego. It's how just about all of us are, just about all of the time. It's what creates all the drama in the world. "I've been slighted." "I'm not seen." "I want to be acknowledged/adored." "What a jerk that person is!"
The key of E is Wagner. It's Beethoven. It's you and me. (Boy, is it ever you and me.) The key of E doesn't only thrive on drama, it requires it. Drama is to the ego what food and water are to our mortal bodies. Without drama, the ego dies, and since it wants to live as much as the rest of us, it keeps churning out drama. "Why did you do that to me?" "There you go again!" "Can't a person have some peace?"
When relationship partners are playing in the key of E, they get all the usual enthusiasms and they get all the bad stuff, too. Laughing, fighting, making up. And it keeps happening, no matter how fervently they wish it wouldn't. Why? Because they're making music in the key of E. Because drama and turmoil are part of the package. A feature, not a bug.
- The second key is the key of Me. Not the egoistic 'me' — the real me, the me that's plugged into things as they truly are. On those rare occasions when I'm making music in the key of Me, I inhabit a place of peace. Contentment stands in for dissatisfaction. Compassion for aggravation. I don't waste time doing drama. It's unnecessary and irrelevant, and I can see much better ways to have fun.
And so, the next time you find yourself wearying of your relationship drama and wishing you could step outside it, try shifting internally to the key of Me. Ask yourself how that might happen — imagine yourself into what the key of Me would feel like. The ego is wily; the shift may not be genuine. But set yourself the target — key of Me! Make it your north star, and sooner or later your soul may take you there.
At a minimum, simply holding the intention will calm you down and take the edge off whatever craziness has set you off.
If your partner doesn't join you, you'll still be better off because your relationship's drama factory will have 50% less energy to work with. And if your partner does join you in the key of Me, well, then — congratulations. You'll be together in a place without drama. A place without judgment. A place beyond the ego's narrow confines where you stand in transcendent loving relationship with each other.
You'll be where magic happens. You'll be making beautiful music in the key of We.
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