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The Depth of a Man


The Depth of a Man
Carista Luminare on the depths, challenges, and glories of a committed relationship.

The Depth of a Man

I was greeted this morning by a love note from my belovedHe had written an essay about love, and read it to me. Of his love for me, he said, “It is deep and profound, like the ocean."

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I felt undulating waves of affection rise up through me as I heard his words. I embraced his tenderness, his love, and the depth and glory of him.  Every woman wants to be loved this way!

He spoke of the uniqueness of our love – unlike any other. We  share these feelings of profound depth in our lovership, the depth that comes from the deep commitment we’ve made to each other, to the relationship itself, and to use our relationship as a learning ground to grow and develop ourselves.  

He also acknowledged, in a tender way, that he still feels love for women from his past, each of whom had their own unique feminine radiance.  He said, “Love is not the same. Each love has its own quality, worthy of appreciation.”

Touched by his reflections, I asked myself, “What makes this man so sweet and special to me? Why did I choose him for my life partner after so many twists and turns with other men?”  It’s because I feel safe to be OPEN to him, and he shares both his vulnerable insecurities and his greatest virtues with me.

The relationship dance has taken me into both the lightest and darkest sides of love. In some of my past partnerships, childhood wounds and traumas were triggered. In a few cases, new traumas were added!  I saw how quickly our sudden reactions can close our hearts and separate us from each other.  We often don’t even know what triggered us – we’re just suddely reacting to something the other said or did.

By carefully examining what happened, we can bring understanding and healing. We became closer, more intimate, more kind and loving to each other.  With that understanding, we can open again to the feelings of love and trust.

We all know this roller coaster ride. Open and closed. Up and down. Over and over.

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I pondered further: When we get so upset with each other, why can’t we respond in kindness, rather than react in brittle defensiveness?  After all these years, I finally cracked the code how to stop the vicious cycle of endless processing – the one that keep us up until wee hours of the morning, yearning to be understood.

No one taught us how to love.Loving 101” wasn’t offered in college – or in elementary school, when it would have been really useful!  We learned what love is from our parents. For most of us, unfortunately, their version of love was mixed with their own confusion, anger, and pain.  They didn't understand love, but they demonstrated to us (unconsciously) what love was supposed to look like. This set us up to unconsciously repeat their patterns in our later relationships. They didn’t know any better. It’s no wonder that we’re all so confused about love! (Continued on Page 2 ->)

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Carista Luminare, Ph.D. & Lion Goodman

Marriage/Couples Counselor

Carista and Lion


Carista Luminare, Ph.D.   &   Lion Goodman





Location: San Rafael, CA
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Carista Luminare, Ph.D. & Lion Goodman:

A Reality of 'The Bachelor': One Thing Juan Pablo Got Right


By Carista Luminare, Ph.D. I'm a grown woman with an extraordinary life and a fabulous relationship with the man of my dreams. I don't need to watch the ABC hit show, The Bachelor. But I do and I have been for years. On Monday night, I found myself outraged by the final episode. I think Chris Harrison was reckless. As a relationship counselor, I ... Read more

Healing Love: How To Open Up To Your Partner


If you don't feel secure with your partner, it's difficult to open your heart and your body to receive the joy of love.  For many people, feeling insecure in an adult relationship is a product of unresolved childhood pain. Old fears and hurts can leak into your bond and interactions with your lover. If you experienced trauma when you were young, it ... Read more

Why You Must Talk About Cheating On Your Spouse…Before It Happens


We've all heard (or lived) some variation of this experience: The phone rings. It's my friend, Cynthia. Cynthia of "the perfect couple with the perfect marriage."  She and her husband hold hands in public. They show up together at all the kids' soccer games. They're clearly in love. But now she's crying. A frantic tone ... Read more

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