The Depth of a Man


The Depth of a Man
Carista Luminare on the depths, challenges, and glories of a committed relationship.

The Depth of a Man

I was greeted this morning by a love note from my belovedHe had written an essay about love, and read it to me. Of his love for me, he said, “It is deep and profound, like the ocean."


I felt undulating waves of affection rise up through me as I heard his words. I embraced his tenderness, his love, and the depth and glory of him.  Every woman wants to be loved this way!

He spoke of the uniqueness of our love – unlike any other. We  share these feelings of profound depth in our lovership, the depth that comes from the deep commitment we’ve made to each other, to the relationship itself, and to use our relationship as a learning ground to grow and develop ourselves.  

He also acknowledged, in a tender way, that he still feels love for women from his past, each of whom had their own unique feminine radiance.  He said, “Love is not the same. Each love has its own quality, worthy of appreciation.”

Touched by his reflections, I asked myself, “What makes this man so sweet and special to me? Why did I choose him for my life partner after so many twists and turns with other men?”  It’s because I feel safe to be OPEN to him, and he shares both his vulnerable insecurities and his greatest virtues with me.

The relationship dance has taken me into both the lightest and darkest sides of love. In some of my past partnerships, childhood wounds and traumas were triggered. In a few cases, new traumas were added!  I saw how quickly our sudden reactions can close our hearts and separate us from each other.  We often don’t even know what triggered us – we’re just suddely reacting to something the other said or did.

By carefully examining what happened, we can bring understanding and healing. We became closer, more intimate, more kind and loving to each other.  With that understanding, we can open again to the feelings of love and trust.

We all know this roller coaster ride. Open and closed. Up and down. Over and over.

I pondered further: When we get so upset with each other, why can’t we respond in kindness, rather than react in brittle defensiveness?  After all these years, I finally cracked the code how to stop the vicious cycle of endless processing – the one that keep us up until wee hours of the morning, yearning to be understood.

No one taught us how to love.Loving 101” wasn’t offered in college – or in elementary school, when it would have been really useful!  We learned what love is from our parents. For most of us, unfortunately, their version of love was mixed with their own confusion, anger, and pain.  They didn't understand love, but they demonstrated to us (unconsciously) what love was supposed to look like. This set us up to unconsciously repeat their patterns in our later relationships. They didn’t know any better. It’s no wonder that we’re all so confused about love! (Continued on Page 2 ->)

Article contributed by

Carista Luminare, Ph.D. & Lion Goodman

Marriage/Couples Counselor

Carista and Lion


Carista Luminare, Ph.D.   &   Lion Goodman



Location: San Rafael, CA
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Carista Luminare, Ph.D. & Lion Goodman:

Stop Having The Same Arguments Over And Over (And Over) Again


After decades of being relationship experts who help guide others through their challenges, my husband and I decided to treat ourselves to a workshop for couples, created by the Gottman Institute. We figured that everyone could use a "relationship tune-up" from time to time — even those of us who are seasoned relationship healers. The ... Read more

6 Secrets For Harnessing The Power Of Love


We all need love. And no one ever complains about having too much of it. If you want more love and if you want to enjoy extraordinary relationships in your life, don't sit around hoping for a miracle. Take positive actions to make it happen. It's possible to turn ordinary, dissatisfying relationships into deep and positive experiences for both you ... Read more

Why Your Child Rebels: How To Nurture Your Child’s Healthy Will


Have you ever been dominated and controlled by another person? How did it make you feel? Did you want to push away from them or run away to escape their control?  This is a common feeling that many children have every day — because their parents are insensitive to their needs for independent self-expression. Children are complete human ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Most Popular