This is everything I have wanted to say to my ex-fiance who walked out on me after 2.5 years.
Even though I am quite positive you will never read this, there are things that need to be said. I hope if there are other people out there who have suffered the emotional turmoil I have, please know that you are not alone.
More importantly, it was most likely not even about you. More likely than not, it was about his inability to be in a committed and healthy relationship on top of insecurities that were fairly placed on you. You are not alone.
Back to the man, or should I say "boy", who walked out on me so fast it wasn't even possible for the door to hit him on his bum. This needs to be said because it's about time you truly understand how childlike, immature, and immoral your actions and behaviors were.
I am going to tell you right now that if I had left the way you did and I showed up at my parents’ house and told them what I had done, I can guarantee my mom would throw me out of this house and tell me how wrong I was. My mom would tell me how wrong I was and then help me approach the situation in a better way.
You know more than anyone how much I adore your family and they have been one of the hardest parts about you leaving. I am curious to know what was said or asked when you told them what you had done. I also want to know exactly what you said to them. The problem is this: there is your side of the story, my side of the story, and in the middle, lies the truth.
So, how was it so easy for you to leave and not look back? How were you able not to turn around to look in my eyes one last time? Prior to you leaving, you and I were home from work and of course, you were going to take your daily nap at 7:30pm and asked me to wake you at 9:00pm at the latest.
I wake you up and I had an obnoxious color of lipstick on and you started laughing, so you could assume your urge to leave was quite unexpected. You had looked at your bank account and started yelling at me about money and how I took all of this money out of your account.
You had every right to be upset and angry because I have been financially irresponsible and did transfer money from our account to mine but absolutely not an astronomical amount like $1100. Instead, you decided it would be best to yell at me, scream some more, pack your stuff, say "I’m done", and leave me in OUR home that WE made TOGETHER.
And let’s not forget the endless gifts and presents you gladly accepted from myself and my family during the time when you were "miserable" and "unhappy". How did you convince yourself that it was okay to use me and my family?
From the start of our relationship to the bitter end with you walking away from me and "us", I was invested with every fiber of my existence and every part of my soul. I fought for you and I fought for us. I told you if you need to break down, you do that and I’ll be there with you and staying strong for US.
What were you doing during that time? I have admitted my mistakes and I have been more than willing to work on them with you, but you didn’t even communicate how "miserable" and "unhappy" you were, to begin with!
Yet, I ask you these questions weekly in hopes of making sense out of the mess of confusion and I get nothing. You get the easy way out with no worries or a care in the world.
Do you think you are a man? Do you think real men lie and say they’re happy when they’re actually miserable? Do you honestly think or feel you were justified in accepting our Christmas and birthday gifts?
Tell me why it was okay for you to tell me how much you loved me and how important I was to you on a daily, if not several times a day, if you were so miserable?
Are you understanding that your actions and words do not coincide with each other? But you will still sit there and tell me I should have known that this was coming and that I knew how miserable you were.
No, I did not know how miserable you were. If you communicated with me rather than yelling and screaming at me, maybe I would have known you were unhappy and to what extent. I was not privy to that information.
Yes, I made mistakes and I've owned up to them. What did you do for me when I owned up to them and asked for help? You told me not to spend money.
I needed my partner, the one I committed my life to, to sit down with me and teach me about finances. I did not need someone to order me around. I needed my soul mate to do a budget with me, explain what interest rates were and how they affect our daily finances… was that SO much to ask for?
Yes, I did tell you on numerous occasions I needed a lot of financial education but received minimal to none.
What I can tell you is what I've learned throughout this separation and the emotional rollercoaster you took me on without my consent.
You are responsible for your own happiness, your choices, your actions, and your behavior. I know that you have NOT ONCE taken any responsibility for your behavior and actions throughout our almost 3-year relationship. I was the one diagnosed with chronic health issues. I was the one who lost my grandmother two weeks prior to your departure.
I was the one who was suffering physically and emotionally due to unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances yet I was still invested in you and the relationship. I held it together for you and us. In the time I have known you, which started in July 2014, I can count on one hand how many events or gatherings I missed on ONE HAND.
You are responsible for whether you are miserable or happy. You had the choice every day to either work on yourself and then work on us or drink another beer. You had the choice to fight for us or walk away. You define your worth or lack of worth.
Happiness isn’t given to you on a silver platter. You aren’t entitled to happiness or anything positive in this world unless you work for it and choose it. You didn’t work on yourself or our relationship a moment in the last few years.
I can continue writing until my hands are numb and weak and unable to type but I won’t bother you with all of that because as you said, it’s easier for you so you most likely won’t ever read this. With that, I hope at some point my questions will be answered. I hope at some point, the man I fell in love with returns and finds happiness in life.
As much as I want you to feel what I have been and still am feeling, I wouldn’t wish that on my own worst enemy, let alone the love of my life. I hope you can provide me with understanding and own your part in the whole relationship.
I fought until the bitter end and for that, I was not the one who failed us. That was you.
The Unimportant and Replaceable Ex-Fiancé