Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends

INTRODUCTION

"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike left me. We hadn't really been together all that long, but I thought I'd finally found my true soul mate. Now it's over and I feel totally rejected, like nobody's ever going to want me again. It's so hard finding a decent guy and now I have to start all over again; I don't know if I can. I feel like a failure at relationships. I just don't know what to do." --Eric

"Steve and I broke up after eight years together. The house feels so empty without him and the pain can be so unbearable at times. The loneliness is the worst part for me and it's like there's this big hole inside of me, this nagging hurt that won't go away. I think about him all the time and wonder if I'm ever going to get over him. I've never felt more alone and confused in my life." --Josh

The ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving him to the fullest capacity almost feels spiritual; now it's been replaced with a crushing sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The length of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it all determine the intensity of the grief experienced when you and your lover part ways.

This article will explore the grieving process involved with relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies for facilitating your grief to move you toward healing so you can start your life over on better footing.

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be likened to a death, with layer upon layer of losses resulting. Not only is his absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other losses like hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust compound and complicate your adjustment. Life as you knew it has been shaken and your vision for your future has been altered. You experience a roller-coaster of emotions. It's common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless, and hopeless. Confusion and feeling a sense of failure and regret are common, as well as varying degrees of anger, depression, and guilt. You might even become preoccupied with your ex-lover, obsessing about him and thinking constantly about your life together and what he might be doing now.

In her book, "Healing A Broken Heart"(1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, ED.D outlines four stages of relationship loss that are common in the aftermath of a breakup. They include the following:

Stage 1: Shock & Denial: This usually occurs immediately after the split-up. You might feel numb, believe that this can't be happening and minimize the reality of the situation. You feel sad, angry, confused, and might blame yourself.

Stage 2: Despair: You begin to see that the ending is inevitable and experience profound sadness, loneliness, depression, and impaired concentration. You might try to bargain with your partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unlovable, wondering if you can make it on your own, and feel a loss of identity.