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One Surprising Way Men Help Us While Hurting Us

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One Surprising Way Men Help Us While Hurting Us
Most of the time his lack of commitment or walking away has nothing to do with you.
How to handle rejection and move on to a better relationship.

It's your fear of rejection that is getting you rejected. I know…I write about rejection a lot: how to recognize when it is and isn't real; how there's no such thing as rejection when you're meeting guys using online dating; and how to learn from it, recover and move on to the next guy who will be better for you. (Yes! There WILL be a next guy!) When we say rejection hurts, it really does HURT.

Kirsten Weir, an award-winning science writer, writes this in an article for the American Psychological Association: "As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they've found surprising evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury." Ouch. Every day I get emails, comments on my blog and questions from my coaching clients about how to avoid feeling crappy about a guy not calling, disappearing, or saying "no thank you."

More from YourTango: Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

Today I received an email asking me to dig a little deeper into my advice that when a guy doesn't return your feelings, it can ultimately be a very positive thing.

L’s question went like this:

"Hi Bobbi,

I read the article you wrote about your relationship with Steve. When you talked about women thanking men for dumping them you said 'they may know something we don't.' Can you tell me what you meant by that?"

I am in a similar situation…and it is very difficult. Thank you for your time.

P.S. I am glad you found a wonderful man.

Steve was a really good guy who, on our third date, told me he would never marry me. It took me three years – during which he never even called me his girlfriend – to finally believe him. I left, and cried for a year. I can look back and clearly see that Steve's rejection was a gift to me. We wouldn't have made good lifetime partners, and I went on to meet and marry the man of my dreams.

More from YourTango: Dating Rules That Change With Age

So what do I mean when I say a guy may dump you because he knows something you don't? I mean that men can be smarter than us when it comes to deciding whether there's potential for a loving lifetime partnership. Men are biologically better able to be objective when selecting a partner. Women are naturally searching for a mate and can often jump quickly to He’s The One, especially when sex is involved. It's natural for us to bond and want to protect that bond. And, of course, culturally we're taught that having a husband is what makes us valuable. Keep reading...

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Author

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!
 


 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

By

It's Monday and you're talking on the phone with a nice guy you're interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this: Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night? You: Yes, that would be nice. Nice Guy: Okay, I'll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I'm ... Read more

Dating Rules That Change With Age

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“If it were a snake, it would ‘a bit ya!” That’s what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo’s neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he’d wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his head.  Well, this is what I could have said to my client Carol who hired me to help her ... Read more

3 Mistakes To Stop Making If You Want A Grown-Up Love Story

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Let's face it: You are an awesome, capable, exceptional woman, we ALL are, but we're getting kinda old and we've been doing, thinking and believing the wrong things about ourselves and about men for a very long time. You can do what I finally did: Let go of all the old thoughts, habits, and behaviors that have been getting in the way of what you ... Read more

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