Let me start today by telling you how magnificent you are. The fact that you are a woman over 40 and reading this tells me that you are all the more spectacular. Really, it does!
One of the reasons finding love over 40 can be the most gratifying time of all is that you know your sphere of power. You’ve learned you are only in control of you, no one else. Life has taught you that you cannot control co-workers, friends, and especially the men you date…or marry, for that matter. (Though I’m quite sure you occasionally try.)
You also know that with that self-control comes personal responsibility, and you know you have the power to create a happy and full life for yourself instead of living one of disappointment and scarcity. This is why I’ve written this series on FemiTypes.*
Hard as it is to take a close look at yourself, I know that you have a super-important goal you have not yet reached. As with all things in your life you have already achieved, you know that the way to get what you want is to learn, grow and work for it. So here you are.
But I want to be sure you know this: You are worthy of love – just as you are. I doubt there is a woman alive who doesn’t display any of the actions of my FemiTypes ever. (I know I certainly have and still do at times.) The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot live or have lived in all of us.
But this only makes you human. Not wrong. Not bad. Not anywhere near unlovable. Changing behavior for most of us is about just that; it’s not about some fundamental flaw we have as a woman.
My wish is for you to spend the rest of your life with a man who absolutely adores you and with whom you feel safe and understood. (Just as I am doing.) Solely in the interest of helping you find that love do I ask you to take a look at how the behaviors of these FemiTypes may mirror some of your bad love habits. This is likely what is standing in your way of getting what you want.
Knowledge is power. And if there is anything I’m, about it’s empowering you, my incredibly deserving sisters, to get what you want out of life.
With self-knowledge comes more control over your behavior and, in turn, over the types of men you attract. With more power and clarity, you can steer your dating and relationship ship.
So, here we go. Today is the last of the 6 FemiTypes – The Sex Pot.
We all know her. She dresses a little too young. Her dress is a little too tight, too short, showing a tad too much cleavage and her lipstick is the brightest of reds. Each, on their own, is not a big deal. Combined, it is just over the top, especially on a supposedly grownup woman.
While The Bitter Woman leads with her anger, this gal leads with her sexuality. She learned at an early age that sex was the way to attract a man. And it works! But she has not yet learned that it’s not the way to attract a relationship.
Listen, I’m all for women having fun in bed and enjoying all the sex they want. Some women want this time in their lives to explore and enjoy their sexuality. I say go for it! But be careful and know that luring men in using your sexuality will most likely NEVER lead you to love.
The Sex Pot is different than this gal. She wants a relationship and believes sex is the way to a man’s heart. She measures her self-worth by how men respond to her sexually. Her underlying belief is probably that she doesn’t have much else to offer to get attention from men. And she just doesn’t know any other way.
As her wrinkles deepen, her thighs sag and her waistline thickens, she becomes more sexually assertive. She needs confirmation that she still “has it.” It can be sad and seen by men as being desperate…and a little immature.
“We met online and her pictures were pretty hot. She was flirty in her emails, and I thought that was cute and exciting. When I picked her up for our first date, she put her hand on my leg as I drove to the restaurant. We had a pretty good time. When I went to drop her off, she invited me in and after a short time offered me a back rub. I was a little put off, but hey, I’m a guy so I said yes. The back rub soon became more, with her as the aggressor.
"When I put on the brakes she was offended that I didn’t ‘go for it.’ As much as I’m a healthy red-blooded 64-year old guy, I just kept thinking that she didn’t really know me and wondered if she did this with every guy she meets. That was a big turn off. I suppose I could have had sex with her and then never called her again. But that’s just not me anymore.”
Tony was a good guy who, to his surprise, was put off by this woman’s come-on. He sensed her desperation and knew instinctively she was not relationship material. Overall it was more a turn off than a turn on. It seems like this experience left him feeling emasculated and kind of used. His 18 Year Old was probably screaming “Go for it!” but his grownup self wanted nothing to do with it. Yes, men can feel like sex objects too.
The Sexpot’s Reality and Reeducation
The Sex Pot attracts the Cads, the Sharks and the Pingers. They take her bait, use her and follow up only when they want more sex or maybe just a stroke of their egos.
These users spot this FemiType a mile away. She makes excuses for them when they disappoint her. Because she is ever hopeful it may turn into a real relationship, she willingly accepts the next booty call.
When she stops to think about it, she feels used and empty. But she doesn’t often stop long since she is almost always on the hook with some guy she thinks has potential. She needs that to shore up her confidence. And when he dumps her, she feels used and blames him for being a liar and user.
Ultimately The Sexpot doesn’t change because she doesn’t know any other way to attract or maintain a relationship with a man. She equates sex with love, which is probably something she learned as a teenager and still believes as truth. She is clueless to the fact that men of any age do not equate sex and love and that sexual attraction is just that. Period.
Unlike The 18 Year Old, she doesn’t need to have butterflies nor feel the big Shazam like The Wow-Me Woman. She doesn’t even need a great first date. She is a little foggy as to what she wants in a man and doesn’t have much on her “list” other than mutual attraction. If he’s turned on to her, she’s usually turned on to him.
The Sexpot’s idea of intimacy has not been updated since her 20s. (Though she is more skilled, which the men surely appreciate!) She treats any performance issue as a huge deal. She is usually less than diplomatic with this sensitive, very common male issue.
Like all of us, The Sexpot wants true love and acceptance. She just doesn’t know how to attract and nurture it. Her first step toward this is finding her true self-worth beyond her sexuality.
Step #1 of my practical and proven 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him system is all about getting to know and then falling in love with yourself. This step is the key to The Sexpot (and all other grownup women looking for love) moving away from her bad love habits and into a satisfying relationship.
After she is clear on all the wonderful things she has to offer, she needs to step back from her 18-year-old version of what she wants in a guy. Step #2 of my Find Hope and then Find Him program will help her get crystal clear about the man and relationship that will truly make her happy….for the long run (rather than for a night or a month).
When The Sexpot meets a grownup guy she likes, consciously holding off on initiating sex is important so she can start breaking her habits. One huge advantage of looking for love over 40 is that mature, grownup guys will wait to have sex if they are interested in you as a partner. I hear this constantly from men.
To reiterate: if you just want to enjoy sex at this time of your life, I say go for it! But if you’re looking for love, it’s not the place to start. Getting to know someone stimulates the biggest sex organ of all: the brain! When you start there, relationships are created…even with men.
* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating Is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?).
After talking to countless men I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and The Sexpot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.