SHARPEN YOUR PENCIL... There's still some lead in it!
I asked a group of accomplished 50-something single men, many of whom have been looking for the right woman for a long time, how they felt about the “mature” single dating life.
Few thought it was what it was cracked up to be. Most longed to find one true, deep, exciting, and lasting love; some went so far as to say they worked two jobs: one during the day making money, and one at night looking for love. Several said there were times when they thought they had found it, true love, only to be disappointed and disillusioned as the realities of being human emerged and the relationship crumbled.
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. --Gloria Steinem
Ahh, the fantasy lover... An enticing mystery that can be fleshed out with their own creativity, a warm being they can make to say, wear and be whatever they desire.
Most men have a dream of their ideal woman. The most common adjective used when citing her qualities is “feminine.” That is: tender, gentle, thin, selfless, loyal, sexy, sensual (but only with him), uncompetitive, thin, soft, charming, beautiful, adoring, thin, patient, smart, fragile, funny, thin, proportionate, nurturing, sensitive, thin, and giving. She should be autonomous in such a way that she won’t be dependent and clinging, an emotional drain. Of course, she shouldn’t be so autonomous or independent that she wouldn’t need him or could possibly do without him because then he would feel insecure. Also, she should have long hair, preferably blonde.
The only thing that seems to change with "maturity" is a re-ordering or re-prioritizing of the adjectives. Did I mention that she should be thin? That hasn’t changed.
Are these men becoming frustrated and exasperated looking for this woman?
Most men have been socially indoctrinated at an early age. Do grown men still believe that true success comes from scoring with a Playboy bunny or a model who may be advertising the car or the speedboat he wants? You bet. Yet movies and television are filled with scenarios in which men repeatedly make bad and sometimes dangerous decisions because they’ve fallen under the spell of a sexy and nubile young woman. Like Pavlov’s dogs, men seem programmed to respond to certain stimuli even when they know it has been laced with rat poison.
While the majority of men say that humor, playfulness, and self-confidence are more important to them than appearance in long-term relationships, they admit that what primarily attracts their initial interest is, in fact, a woman’s physical beauty.
Men are visual. It’s not uncommon for older, mature men, caught in the throes of momentary ecstasy, to cast caution aside and pursue their daughter’s best friend rather than the woman next door who could actually be an interesting and loyal partner and a fabulous lover.
They're still looking for a woman who has a 24-inch waist and a flat stomach, who looks great in an evening gown, in jeans, and buck-naked on the back of a Harley; a woman who has that pinkish, glowing morning beauty and the energy and enthusiasm of endless youth, a woman who is always bubbly, perky, willing, and happy to see you, and who will initiate mad, passionate sex—with or without abandon—at any time, even in broad daylight on the sofa or in the back seat of your car between golf, tennis, and football games. And it wouldn’t hurt if she could cook, has a pile of her own dough, no kids or aging parents, and is available to travel—packs light.
What’s wrong with this picture? LOL
Nothing at all. But it’s only a picture. And pictures are stagnant.
Hang an oil painting over your bed if that’s what you want, I told them, but don’t be too disappointed when it can’t smile back, make great coffee, scratch your back, kiss your boo-boos, listen to your fish stories and other dreams of conquest repeatedly, wrap all the Christmas presents, choose your neckties and navigate through life with you.
Let’s turn it around and look at the picture through a woman’s eyes. Her 'fantasy' man should be successful, ambitious, brilliant, educated, powerful, while also sensitive, athletic, mechanical, courageous, creative, sensual (but only with her), understanding, domestic yet independent, faithful, honest, mannerly, patient, warm, generous, funny, tall, spirited, communicative, and respectful, with a washboard stomach, sweet-smelling breath, and lots of thick wavy hair. Oh, and he should be a mind-reader.
Gentlemen, how do you measure up?
With 'maturity' comes WISDOM. One can only hope...
You have to figure...if the world’s fattest twins can find love, there is hope for all of us. Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better.
--Carrie Bradshaw "Sex and the City"
Barbara Kennedy, MPH, MSW, is a well-known relationship coach, prominent speaker, and public health educator with a private relationship coaching practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. Author of “BABY BOOMER MEN LOOKING FOR LOVE – The Last Dance” and soon to be released “BABY BOOMER WOMEN 1,000 FIRST DATES – Love-On-Line (L-O-L)” www.BabyBoomerMenLookingForLove.com