Make your marriage fun again!
Natalie was bored in her marriage. At first she could hardly admit it to herself. After all, they were a perfect match: similar backgrounds, same religion, similar professions (she was a school psychologist; he was a psychology professor). Didn't all the research suggest that the more you have in common, the more likely you are to succeed as a couple?
Yet, those feelings of boredom were definitely surfacing. David wasn't as exciting as he used to be. He was so busy with all of his professorial assignments. Plus, he's head of the department. Where were all those easy fun days they used to have?
But on the other hand, Jack seemed so alluring in her mind even though she had not actually seen him face to face in over 15 years. But the memories ... oh, those memories. They were so arousing and made her feel so wanted. And his interest in her on Facebook was very appealing. So sincere and respectful of her marriage. But behind his interest, she sensed that his marriage might not be the rock of Gibraltar. Maybe he was bored also! Mmmmm ... something else for Natalie to fantasize about.
Natalie, one of my characters in my new book, Next Year in Jerusalem! Romance, Mystery & Spiritual Awakenings, is trying to handle a very common issue that women face in marriage. She has become bored, but knows she's married to a great guy. Her mind is wandering and she's at risk!
What's this boredom all about? I've heard hundreds of tales of woe around boredom in my practice as a psychologist. I can sum it up by saying that most of the time the boredom stems from a core problem. That problem is disappointment that the spouse doesn't understand his wife better. Or more simply, that it has turned out that he is not very good at mind reading!
For example, I discovered that my client was disappointed because her husband wasn't sensitive to her feelings. However, upon further questioning, my client admitted that she didn't make clear to her husband that her feelings were hurt or that she needed extra hugs and attention. She assumed he would just pick up on it. After all, he had said how much he loved her!
I want to honestly ask you, are you a professional mind reader? I certainly am not. And although women may be more intuitive than men around certain things, even love will not be enough to know how someone's feeling or what's on her mind.
It takes sharing and focus to clue someone in to what we need and who we are.
Here are two things to try if you ever feel that your spouse or significant other is becoming a little boring:
1. Unplug from technology.
Turn off your phones, the TV, etc. and talk about your day for two to three minutes without your partner interrupting. Take notes as the other talks so you can go back and ask further questions about certain issues or reactions. You will learn a lot and might be surprised to see how interesting and complex your partner is!
2. Plan a change of scenery.
Make a date night at least once a week for an an hour or more. No matter what, get into a new environment that's not just sitting in the house together. Going somewhere different — even to a new park — opens the door to new reactions, thoughts and feelings and the sparks can begin to fly again.
What's most interesting is the discovery that your spouse is not as boring as he seems!