Please spare us the baby talk.
[Contributed by: Most Brave Girl]
You finally made it. You have the sweetest, most attractive significant other ever who makes you feel like the most special little cuteybritches in the whole world. You're basking in romantic bliss. Your life is darling and perfect! So why are your friends acting so surly around you?
They're not jealous. You're just obnoxious.
The rest of us don't resent your happiness. In fact, we're pretty much thrilled that you're happy. However, it would be easier to act happy for you if you didn't annoy the bejesus out of us with your sickly-sweet, totally-in-love behavior. Please, for the sake of friend retention, avoid the following three habits of mercilessly annoying couples:
1. The Disappearing Pronoun
Sometimes people in relationships suddenly stop referring to themselves separately. You start answering questions directed at you with the royal We, even when you're not with your significant other.
"What did I do yesterday? Oh, we just went to Home Depot. We needed to look for a nicer washing machine because our laundry room gives us the creepies."
Stop it. You are not a royal. Everyone hates you. You're not part of the same cult so there's no reason you need to collectivize. You can easily say that the laundry room gives you the creepies. Better yet, stop saying "creepies." It makes you sound like a douche in a vest at the lamest church haunted house ever.
What happened to your independent identity? Do you also say “We have to go to the pharmacy to pick up our butt medication?”
2. Unnecessary Siamese Twinning
Being together all the time doesn't make you seem like a couple who is so adorably in love. It makes you seem like you're codependent in an off-putting way. Like you're a two-headed carnie who for some reason can only have one conversation at a time, and is super boring. You have two heads; science encourages you to use them separately.
It's okay to sit apart from each other, to have individual conversations and to let your boo grab a drink from the bar without your company. In fact, sometimes one of you can stay home altogether. If you don't like a particular activity, don't come along. Everyone else involved in said activity can tell that you're only there to "support" your other half, which brings the mood down.
If you absolutely can't bear to be apart, make sure you both interact with the world around you. When the waitress asks you what you want, don't whisper at each other for fifteen seconds before you place a joint order. You aren't Twinning. You are T-losing.
3. That is enough, Pumpkin Butt
All couples have silly names for each other. If you think you're the only precious, silly ones, that's because everyone else keeps a lid on it in front of other people. Ain't nobody like hearing you say "Sowwy, Muffin Top" after you accidently smack elbows with your partner at dinner. Everyone was just trying to enjoy their sushi, and then you had to go and say something like that.
But what about more innocuous nicknames? Surely a simple "babe" here and there doesn't offend too badly? Yes, that's true. As long as it's really only here and there, and you don't do anything else repulsive in front of your friends, like feed each other. You need to make the socially-conscious effort to acknowledge that there are other people in the room with you and then act accordingly. The more coupley stuff you do in front of people, the more it seems like you don't even notice your friends. Not cool, guys.
The variety of ways for couples to annoy the rest of humanity is endless. Keep this short list on lock so we can tell that you're at least trying.
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