Mary tells me in a face-to-face session, "Steve is always criticizing me... how do I get him to stop?"
Fiona tells me in a Skype session, "Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this."
It is always easy to see what your partner is doing that you do not like,.. and it is generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system... that your end of the system is equal to your partner's end, as you attract people at your common level of woundedness or your common level of health -- your common level of self-abandonment or your common level of self-care - your common level of "confidence" and "self-esteem."
This means that the degree to which you emotionally abandon yourself... by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and/or making others responsible for your feelings... is the same degree to which your partner is emotionally abandoning himself or herself.
The minute Mary tells me about Steve criticizing her, I know that Mary is likely criticizing herself and may also be giving herself up to him to try to have control over getting his approval... each is controlling in their own way... and Mary is aware only of how Steve is trying to control her.
When Fiona tells me about Jeff's withdrawal, she is also telling me about her anger... the two sides of their dysfunctional relationship system.
The problem is that Mary and Steve and Fiona and Jeff all got together wanting to get love, rather than knowing how to love themselves and share their love.
Do you really want to continue to do this in your life?
Attracting at your common level of emotional health means that you have done the inner work necessary to heal your feelings of shame and insecurity... it means that you know how to fill yourself with love and share your love with others... it means that you have stopped abandoning yourself and have learned how to love yourself, which means that you take responsibility for your feelings, rather than avoiding your feelings or making another responsible for them.