Learn how you may be turning off your woman and not even know it.
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to have sex with a womann and you were not sure if she was down to play or if was going to reject you?
I do not care if you are married or on a first meet up, unless she is climbing on top of you, most of the time it is up to you to start things up. Since getting rejected hurts and I do not care whether it is "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," or..."What kind of a girl do you think I am, I hardly know you!" Sometimes it is emotionally easier to not bother trying.
Have you had the experience that at some point in the night the woman you are with is giving you some indication that "it's on" and later in the evening when the time comes, she has gone cold and you were frustrated because you didn't know how to get the heat back on again?
I am going to share with you a powerful way to get that heat back on again and get her in the mood for some loving. So let us begin...
Learning to be sexually assertive is a very big challenge for a lot of men — for MOST men, it does NOT come naturally, in fact, most men can be very, very shy when it comes right down to it. Even men that are very extroverted when talking to women in other situations. And like I said, even men in relationships can find it intimidating to be sexually assertive with the woman in his life sometimes even MORE than a single man because he has laid down expectations in his relationship and finds it hard to change.
A big part of this is the fear of rejection or humiliation. What could be worse than acting like some kind of big stud only to be rejected or even LAUGHED at? You are not alone here. Just about everyone has these thoughts.
Now, some other men go to the other extreme and completely misunderstand what sexual assertiveness is all about. To be perfectly crystal clear on the subject...
Sexually assertive is NOT sexually "pushy" and it is not sexually "insistent" and it is not sexually "aggressive" and it is not sexually "demanding."
In other words... it is NOT being a total jerk who goes for what he wants without regard for how she will react because he secretly does not like women. And if you act that way, do not expect to be turning many women on with that behavior — though unfortunately, there are some women who are attracted to that kind of behavior, they generally have some underlying emotional issues that the jerk is making worse. This is the root of many co-dependent and abusive relationships.
Sexual "assertiveness" on the other hand is something that is almost universally sexy to women and if you learn how to do it right, even a woman who you have been with for years will still respond to it every time you use it. It does not get boring or feel like a rut because it is wired into her brain from millions of years of evolution.
So, what exactly is sexually assertive and how do you make it work for you?
Well, let me begin by telling you what it is not. It is not sexually TENTATIVE.
In fact, it is the opposite of "tentative" and I mention that because tentative is what most men are doing by default. Let me use two examples — one verbal and one physical to illustrate the difference between assertive and tentative and why the first turns women on in such a powerful way and the second is such a huge turn-off.
- Let us say you are with your woman on the couch, you have your arm around her and all is good. You are feeling a little bit some fun so you ask her if she would like to have sex. You could ask her at least a thousand different ways — you could say it as a joke and get a laugh, you could do your Austin Powers impression... cock one eye-brow and say, "wanna get it on, baby?" Probably get a good laugh on that one.
- You could play it straight and deliver it kind of indifferently like maybe even you don't know if you're in the mood or not. You are bored and getting it on might be a fun idea..."wanna get it on?" And she thinks about it and ALMOST CERTAINLY will shrug her shoulders and say either..."I'm not really in the mood," or..."I don't know."
Of course, maybe she just happens to be feeling really horny at that moment and she will say yes, but even then inside she will be feeling very disappointed in the way you asked. Because no woman wants a man who feels sort of ambivalent about having sex with her. Even if she was in the mood, you might kill it by asking in that way. This is exactly how most husbands think they ought to find out if their wife would like to have sex and it is why most married couples have less sex than they ought to.
It is important to notice in these 2 examples that your woman takes her emotional cue from you. If you are making it funny, she will think it is funny. If you are indifferent, she will feel indifferent. In these neutral cases, a woman's emotions will usually follows the man's.
Okay now the sexually TENTATIVE man will ask the question hoping that she says "yes" yet in his heart he is so uncertain of his own sexual attractiveness that he is already half certain that she will say no. He may ask it quietly, unable to make eye-contact. He may even do it HALF funny, not fully committing to the joke because he is actually serious and using the joke as a pre-loaded ego-save, "excuse," in case she says no. "Oh, I was just joking! I didn't really think you wanted to have sex with me!" To a woman, this man does not even have the guts to go full-on for the laugh. So he says, half-joking in a kind of quiet way, in an uncertain tone... "Are you in the mood to get it on?"
How does a woman react to this tentative emotional state in a man? Usually her skin crawls and she feels something a little bit like panic because she wants to get out of it so badly and she is grateful that he said it half funny so that she can fake a laugh and pretend to go along with the joke that he then regrets he never made. His "excuse" becomes her excuse....Yuck.
In this case, his emotional tentative approach triggers an emotion in the woman of revulsion. So what emotion does assertiveness trigger in your woman?
The man who is sexually assertive will ask the question in a way that is more of a statement than a question. He is comfortable with his desire and comfortable in the knowledge that she is going to enjoy it too. He knows exactly what he wants and he knows that he can get her to want it too because that is his internal frame.
- You look her directly in the eyes without wavering. You get close enough to make her feel the heat of your desire because you are comfortable with your desire. You may smirk slightly because you know how turned on you are going to make her feel when you say quietly, firmly..."Let's go get it on."
Now, if you do this right...you know what she will say?
Nothing. She will not be able to speak. She will just stare back into your eyes, her pupils will get huge as saucers, her skin will flush and she will open her mouth slightly, involuntarily, to be kissed.
This article was originally published at The Intimate Communion Magazine. Reprinted with permission from the author.