Do You Know The Difference Between The Two.It Is WHY Many Women FAIL In Relationships.
I see a huge problem among women, especially when women are in a relationship. This problem is the problem of pleasing all the time.
Most women would pass this off as "oh it doesn’t apply to me" or "I’m a cool woman and I would never be one of those silly pleaser's!"
In my experience as a personal development and relationship Coach, many women like to think they are not acting like pleaser's, but they actually are. Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving.
And more often than not, truly giving to someone is counter-intuitive.
It’s not something many of us (both men and women) have been taught. And many women mistake pleasing for giving.
The Trap: Your own Feminine Mindset.
What is valuable to men in a relationship is not the same as what is valuable to women. Most women will read this and nod, yet continue (for the rest of their lives) to give to their man in the same way they always have, which is in a way that the man perceives little value, and wonder why the relationship is failing, why they are becoming another divorce statistic, or why their man is withdrawing or leaving, or cheating.
It is not anyone’s fault.
How are you supposed to know what you never been taught?
Anyway. In your relationship, being a pleaser is a very quick way to destroy the attraction. Most of you would just rather ignore the loss.
Denial is a common option.
Denial feels certain, after all.
If you want to be a treasured friend to somebody, being a pleaser will not get you there.
Pleasing and giving are two very different things.
And they do have one thing in common: each of these actions fullfill 1 or more of your 6 human needs, and as such, I know there is no truly selfless act. Even if a man dies for his wife – dying for someone is one of the most self-sacrificing acts there are.
And even in a situation like this, you are serving yourself in some way. However small.
What I have noticed is that most of people, especially women operate more from a pleasing place than a giving place, and they are not consciously aware of it.
The REAL difference between Pleasing and Giving
Pleasing is about you. When you try to please someone, you are coming from a place of fear – fear of loss of love, and desperation or neediness, and you are looking for something in return; whether that be a reaction, or approval, or to get out of trouble (a mistake I have made) and a sign that you actually "did OK".
Note: it is not that you cannot ever need or want somebody’s approval or have fear – the point is that you do not want to live there, and consistently act from that state of needful emotion.
Giving, however, comes from a place of ABUNDANCE!
Having an ABUNDANCE MIND SET!
Giving is what you do when you truly care about somebody, and their future, and what they really need – not what they want, and not even what they seem to want or say they want.
And You LOVE and VALUE Yourself!
Examples of pleasing…
1) A good example of pleasing would be: the woman who makes plans with her friends, but when her man calls to meet up, she changes her plans with her friends because, inside, she feels bad for saying "no" to him.
Why? Because she feels she might lose his love. Poor friends!
2) Another example: Stacking up too many plans with loved ones and “doing too much” for the people around you. You are attending to so many demands and "requests" of your loved ones that you cannot keep to your plans and end up late for people or having to cancel on people – and worse still, you are so much of a pleaser that you are way too scared to call up and say "I am so sorry, I am going to be late by 30 minutes" (and make sure it does not happen again) that you end up disappointing people because you kept them in the dark.
So much for "pleasing".
3) The classic example of pleasing: parents giving their children everything they want (or almost everything). And saying that they do it out of love. I am not saying they do not love their child; but this act itself, more often than not, comes from a place of not wanting to lose the child’s love, affection or even the attachment of the child. After all, the more dependent someone is on you, the more safe they are. At least you sometimes trick yourself in to thinking this.
Too bad children are so dependent on you. Until they are not.
The ‘K’ Word
The classic phrase used by a pleaser is: "keep him happy" or "keep her happy". The word "keep" is dangerous.
Can you see what I am getting at here?
Pleaser women become low value women and soon become single women!
We all value givers in some way or other, even if our actions make others angry and resentful at first, because givers are valuable people. I mean truly valuable. However, we do not truly value people pleaser's. People who seem to value pleaser's are people you do not want in your life. They are most likely leeching off your insecurities and your desperation for love and approval.
It is easy to manipulate people pleaser's.
And lets be honest here. You do not ever respect people you can manipulate. Let alone value them.
Giving is an act, a message, a gesture, done from a place of pride – knowing that giving will o’t take away anything from you. Giving is something you do because you already have so many internal resources that you can afford to give to others.
See, pleaser's have little to no internal resources (little value), because the "feel good" moment from pleasing only lasts so long and it is like a bottle being emptied the minute it is filled, and then needing to be filled, again and again.
I can attest to the difference between pleasing and giving because I have done both in my life. I have pleased people and felt the awful after- effects.
It never works out – even if it does for a day. In fact, I have "pleased" in the past – only to find that those so called "friends" I wanted to please actually did not really value me.
No wonder. I was not even valuing myself!
Now I give so much away, that I recognize just how rewarding the act of truly giving is. I have given in ways that no-one would expect me to. I can say that it always works out. Like I heard once: “what you give, you get to keep. What you fail to give, you lose forever”.
Giving adds to your sense of pride, but pleasing never does.
So what is giving?
1) Giving could be telling a good girlfriend that yes, she would feel much better, look much better and be much happier if she changed her eating habits and lost some weight, rather than saying...
"Oh honey! Your body is fine just as it is!".
That's a lie!
2) Giving could be telling your man that you need time to yourself, to re-charge so that you can come back to the relationship with more to give, instead of seeing him every time he says he misses you.
3) Giving could be not having sex with your man at all this time, rather than laying there like a dead horse while he does his thing, like he is having sex with a blow-up doll or a rigid post.
How to give instead of please:
Now, learning how to truly give to a man (or to anyone at all) is not something you can easily learn overnight. It is a big topic, much too big for this article in itself, and it is a learning process. Nonetheless, here is a start on what you need to do to become a giver rather than a pleaser:
1) Get out a piece of paper, right now. Write down every decision you have made (or that you can remember) out of a need to please someone in the last month. Next to each of those decisions you have listed, write down the consequence of that decision.
How did you feel after making that decision?
How did the person you wanted to please react?
Did the reaction you wanted last?
Did the reaction you hoped for even occur at all?
2) From now on, instead of focusing on how you might "upset people," what you must do in this moment to prevent someone from being unhappy with you, or how you might "disappoint people" or "make people dislike you," start using some new language. As soon as you notice yourself reacting out of fear, ask yourself, what would really benefit me as well as this person right now?
What would truly benefit your relationship?
For example, you may be scared to speak up in a situation where you feel your opinion is not as "clever" or "right" or that by speaking up, people will ostracise you. In fact, truly giving to these people would be to actually stand up with certainty and either share, or tell the truth. Whatever the situation calls for.
By the way... I just want to ask you a question: do you know why the word "keep" in the phrase "keep him happy" is dangerous?
Share your experience with pleaser's and givers in the "comments" box below.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
As always, leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.
Average men and women know only the rules.
Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!
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