What's really stopping you from having amazing orgasms?
There are about five super common ways women hold themselves back from pleasure and orgasm. So common, in fact, that if we considered them a public health issue (which is debatable), we could call them epidemics. These are the reasons so many women aren't experiencing the pleasure they crave.
1. They don't know how to fully receive.
It's mind-boggling how many people cannot fully receive sexually. As a sexual empowerment coach, I encounter countless women who have difficulty receiving, and it can look many ways. At the root of having trouble receiving is the way our world socializes women to care for everyone else and give to others constantly. Then we wonder why we can't receive. It's because we’ve been conditioned not to.
Many people don't think they deserve good things, so they're not able to receive pleasure. You have to take it! Someone wants to give it to you! Take it, and enjoy it. If someone tried to give you an amazing gift that you want and you kept your hand closed and refused to take it, that's offensive. You're closing yourself to life when life offers itself up to you. Giving and receiving go hand-in-hand.
2. They're afraid of taking too long or seeming selfish.
Many women prevent themselves from having pleasure and experiencing orgasms because they think they shouldn't take up too much space. They think they're taking too long and judge themselves for it.
Who says there's a time limit? Who made up these rules that sex is quick and dirty and done? That’s not fun. It’s contrived. Sex takes as long as it takes, unless you actually are on a time constraint. Then you bend it to fit inside the time you have. But I hear women saying things like, “I’m afraid to take too long,” and it’s sad. Women sometimes take longer to have orgasms. The build takes longer because it’s a slow burn.
Many women are so afraid of being seen as greedy or selfish that they hold themselves back. It’s not greedy to feel pleasure or to have multiple orgasms, or any orgasms. It’s your beautiful life force coming forth and expressing itself and that is what it’s about. To deny that is to deny life. Embrace it!
3. They don’t actually know how.
One of the biggest, most undeniable reasons women find orgasms elusive is that they do not know their own anatomy and what gets them off, and therefore, they're unable to ask for It. How can you ask for something if you don’t know what it is you're asking for?
We lack real information in our culture about the body and orgasm. We don’t understand the mechanisms of a woman’s body. It's a bit complicated if you’ve never learned about it. I think it’s fascinating. For instance, did you know women get erections too? We have all this juicy erectile tissue that we can’t see but that we need to engage — and engorge — if we want to have great orgasms.
Most women don’t finish via intercourse alone. Some do, but most need the clitoris stimulated. And the clitoris is far more than just the pea-sized nub you’ve heard it is. That's the head. It has a shaft, like the penis does, and that shaft has two legs. Plus, there are other spongy tissues that run underneath the labia and around the vagina. It's easier to show you than explain — the point is that it's far more complex than we learn.
So if you aren’t touching the labia and stimulating the various parts of your clitoris, which is your primary sexual organ and the only one in the male or female body designed solely for pleasure, you are cutting off your ability to have the orgasmic pleasure you want. I wish all of this information about the clit was common knowledge, but it’s not. We're still so in the dark about female genitalia and still debating how much of it to even teach in anatomy and biology classes.
You have to learn about your own parts and pleasure. Period.
4. They have false sexual restrictions.
When women hold themselves to false sexual bars, it keeps them from experiencing what's actually possible.
When you keep telling yourself sex is only done a certain way, you deny your own ability to have an organic experience. Most of us buy into the over-romanticized and somewhat vapid Hollywood model of sex. We don’t see the real rhythm of sex — the build up, the give and take, the sloppiness, the depth. We see a very sterile version of sex most of the time. It's missing many elements, yet we try emulating it.
Maybe your false sexual bars are those of your partners, your past girlfriends or boyfriends who shamed you for your sexual expression in some way, or your friends who uphold a certain standard of what sex is like. As long as you're comparing yourself to others or to some mythical version of sex you see in movies, you're trying to uphold a false sexual bar.
If you could remove all they told you to want, what would you actually want?
5. They don't realize the effort it takes to orgasm.
Sex requires effort, just like everything else you care about in life. Why are so many women unwilling to give it the time and effort it deserves? YET they want fantastic sex? That doesn’t make any sense.
We have to take some responsibility to create a sexy life and sexy experiences that inspire desire in us, and we have to fuel the fire of the right things.
Sex needs to be a priority. Orgasms and pleasure connect us to our unique core selves and to all of the love in the world.