Use those hurtful verbal exchanges to transform your relationship.
Do you ever have one of those arguments that leave you feeling so enraged and indignant that you would leave there and then, never to return — because that would show her?
Have you ever wondered why this one really got under your skin? I know it sucks, you want to empty a barrel load of swear words or worse… into his chest.
Stop right there, hold that thought and let's transform it!
What if this situation is actually your biggest gift? Without this argument and these emotions, you will never discover your truth, and along with it, the secret to happiness in life and love.
Doesn’t sound bad at all, does it?
The one snag, though, is in order to achieve this state of self-empowerment you must buy into the idea that the world is a looking glass, and it gives back to you a true and honest reflection of your own thoughts.
Can you allow yourself to believe this for a moment?
If so, I can promise you that these arguments, cruel exchanges, and hurts will allow you to uncover the real you, the uncut version and with it the power to be in control of your life. You can:
- Set the rules
- Build the boundaries
- Create the blueprints on how you wished to be treated.
You will also know who is worth receiving your blueprint.
So how does it work?
People and situations are our mirrors. However, they don’t have the power to change us, only we have that power.
What they show us through our interaction, and more importantly, our reaction is where we are at, how we engage with the world and more importantly who we are, our core values and beliefs about ourselves and the world as a whole (including our relationships).
There is absolutely no doubt that we are our own worst critics... agreed?
I have a full committee in my head, the shitty committee, other people have their gremlins, some are more eloquent they talk of their inner critic.
It doesn’t matter what expression you relate to particularly, but what is fairly apparent is that with so many different names, we all have that voice inside — judging us (and maybe even trying to keep us safe).
"Oh, don’t do that, people will talk about..."
"Don’t do that, play safe or they won’t like you."
What happens when we are questioning ourselves is that inner critic goes looking for validation and almost inevitably finds in with your nearest and dearest. Seemingly from nowhere, those deep thoughts we are having about ourselves are reflected back to us.
And BAM! We explode! "How dare you talk to me like that, putting me down, questioning me…", or whatever it is you find yourself shouting.
This is what we call the mirror effect — the outside reflecting our sense of self.
When you are annoyed, it says more about you than your partner, it is shining the light on your own sensitivities, your own perceived shortcomings and that hurts. Their words are validating the shitty committee’s opinion — and that makes two against one, with you in the minority.
There are so many reasons we are affected, it may even be our own jealousy of their freedom to express themselves, or we are being treated in a way we find unacceptable but don’t know how to break that pattern — this takes us back to setting healthy boundaries.
Whatever it is, that argument can give us all the answers we need about ourselves and our relationship — and will knowledge comes power!
So let's take that last argument as the mirror and ask:
- What was it about?
- Why did that subject rile me?
- What do I think about this subject?
- How do I feel about this situation?
This is one meaningful step towards self-knowledge and creating lasting changes in your life; which will be reflected in the quality of the relationships you create. The idea is to discover the real, authentic you and present that to the world, ditching the version you believe the world needs you to be.
The mirror effect works both ways. People treat you as you are willing to be treated and you set the example on how you treat yourself
To know more on how Allison Reiner works and how she can help you, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or to get working immediately, why not download her 5 step worksheet to help identify where you can begin to make changes? Click here.
This article was originally published at The Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.