She is an amazing woman. She is mid 50’s. An accomplished therapist and yoga teacher. Well-read. Wise. Funny. Urbane.
Yet when she came to me for a coaching session about her online communication with men, she said that all she was attracting online were mediocre men. Not the leaders she desired. Not the strong capable men she was sure was out there in New York.
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She couldn’t understand why she was getting that response. It didn’t take long for me to see what she was doing, and suddenly, it all made sense to her…
She “hid” exactly what she wanted from a man – and hid what would most likely catch the attention of a high-quality man!
I will give you two examples, so that you don’t make the same mistake.
First, she said nothing about the “character” of the man she wanted to attract. One of the first things I teach women is to be sure to write to the “character” of the man they want, rather than toss out mere “characteristics.” A shared love of tennis or walking on the beach is very nice – but you are not filtering out the great men from the mediocre.
If you want to attract a truly great man, you need to specify the character elements you require whether its leadership, respect in his community, true to his word, community service – whatever is most important to you.
Here’s an example, supported by another axiom of mine – which is to couch your description in terms of admiration or appreciation and respect (triggers for male attraction to women)
“I especially admire a man who does volunteer work in his community…”
“I find nothing sexier than a man with a reputation for honesty and
Raise the bar! And the lesser men will back away, while the better men step forward.
Second, she didn’t use any photos of her doing yoga! Big news here – men respond to images of vital women’s bodies! Especially stretchy vital women’s bodies.
I asked her why she left those out and she said, “I didn’t want to intimidate the reader.”
I wanted to jump through the phone and put my hands on her cheeks and look her I the eyes and say, “I want you to intimidate the reader – if he’s the kind of man who gets intimidated by a strong, healthy, slim, accomplished woman! You don’t want that guy anyway. You want the man who not only desires a woman like you, but is deserving of a woman like you.”
Online dating can be a funny place, if you treat it as a broad net being cast. The goal is not to get hundreds of letters from mediocre potential partners. The goal is to attract a few letters from extraordinary potential partners.
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And the only way to do that is to communicate how wonderful it would be for a man to have you in his life (which I cover elsewhere), to call for the truly great men by describing in detail the character of the man you respect and admire, and to stand for your excellence. Not with hubris, not with undue pride. But with grace, so that he can recognize the prize that you are.
To learn more about how to construct the “perfect” profile that attracts only quality men, please watch this short video I made for you.