Here's Why You Should Never Forget The Reasons You Got A Divorce


An ex-spouse is like having a ghost in your life. Deal with it as a memory and not as a problem.

When you remarry there is always the belief that the second time around will be a much more successful marriage. You hopefully learned a lot about yourself and marriage as a result of being married once already.

A man was once overheard saying that he believed the first divorce was her fault, but the second would be his responsibility. What hee was saying was that he should have learned a lot from his first marriage failure and not repeated his mistakes in the second. That is the whole truth in a nutshell.

Banishing the Ghosts

If you have been married before then you most likely have some issues to resolve within yourself. If you are at complete peace about your prior marriage, then all the more power to you, but most people who have been previously married like to talk about the problems and mistakes related to that marriage. They also bring some insecurities and fears into the second marriage.

Having an ex-spouse is like having a ghost in your life. That ghost will never go away because they are the sum of your experiences. But, you must learn to deal with that ghost as a memory and not let it interfere in your current life as an ongoing problem. Anyone who is divorced tends to blame the majority of problems on the other spouse, but in reality both husband and wife are to blame when a marriage fails. Just like it takes two to make a loving relationship, it takes two to ruin the marriage.

That is the source of the insecurities and fears. Every marriage is different and every divorce happens for a different reason. It is important to use the information and experience you gained from your first marriage to make your second marriage a good relationship. You don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.

Banishing ghosts from the past is not always easy. It takes a lot of introspection and self-honesty. You have to identify what role you played in the failed first marriage and then make sure you don't repeat those same behaviors.

On the other hand, the person you are married to right now is an entirely different person. You don't want to make the new mistake of treating him or her as if they will act like your first spouse. It can be extremely destructive to a second marriage to assume a second spouse will be a carbon copy of the first spouse.

New Images

The ghost of your first marriage may take several forms. You may carry emotional baggage as discussed, but most people who have been married before also bring either children or other issues (like alimony) into the second marriage. It takes a lot of understanding and patience to blend families or not get angry over making alimony payments every month to your ex-spouse, or the ex-spouse of your current husband or wife. What you have to do is sit down with your new spouse and discuss the issues that affect the marriage in any way. Just like any problem or issue in marriage, keeping the lines of communication open is critical.

One of the most productive steps you can take to build a second successful marriage is to begin creating new memories and traditions right away. Your new spouse is as anxious as you to build a solid relationship, so handling your second marriage with love and understanding is important. For example, you don't want to leave the gifts from your first wedding out and then talk about how wonderful and expensive they are. You want to display only the gifts from your second wedding. Small considerations can make big differences.

Creating new images for your new marriage is not hard. You can create a brand new holiday tradition your very first holiday together, or you can choose a special hotel or restaurant and you call it your secret spot. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as you make these new traditions completely different from any practiced in the first marriage. 

Getting It Right This Time

Taking the plunge into a second marriage is daring. It is easy to shy away from marriage when you have been through a tough divorce, yet the person you chose to marry is special enough to you to take a chance on a second marriage. If you rely on this love and always remain sensitive to issues related to first marriages, your second marriage can be stronger in every way.


Explore YourTango