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How Men Want To Be Loved By Women (Hint: It's Not How You Think!)

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4 Ways Men WISH Women Would Show Their Love
Love

Yes, you want to tell him just how much you love him. But this is what he really wants you to do.

We all know what we want our significant other to do for us when we’re in a serious relationship. Those things that make us feel loved. As women, one of the first things that come to mind is hearing him say, "I love you".

We simply can’t wait to hear those three special words from the man we’re invested in.

We’re communicators, we’re feelers, so of course what love "feels like" to us is so very important. We want to feel cherished. We want him to tell us, as Franki Valli so eloquently crooned back in the 60’s, "You’re too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off of you."

Of course, it only makes sense that when we want that special man in our lives to know just how much we care for him, we’re going to do for him what we want him to do for us.

So, as soon as we start to feel close to him (often right after we’ve become sexually intimate), we let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he’s the guy for us and he owns our heart. We let him know, with both our words and our actions, that he’s our one and only.

But instead of making him feel loved, cherished, and bringing him closer, this often causes him to pull away and suddenly become more distant.

Why?

Because while this is what we want from him, it’s not necessarily what he wants (or needs) from us. In fact, it’s often the opposite — it makes him feel overly constrained and limited before he’s ready.

 

RELATED: 5 Reasons Men Pull Away From Good Relationships

 

Instead of making your bond stronger it makes him pull away and run in the other direction.

That’s when we get scared and we try to pull him back, usually by giving him more of what we think he wants. We try anything we can think of to show him just how much we really love him, so he’ll realize we really are the perfect woman for him.

We try being as sexy as we can be. We try making him dinner to show him just how we can take care of him. We might shop for him or take care of other things for him to show him just how nurturing we are.

These, of course, are all great things to do in a happy, healthy, and committed relationship that’s already matured past the point of him wanting to pull away. But these aren’t the things that are going to make him want to make that commitment in the first place.

So then what exactly does he want from us that will connect with his heart and bring him in closer instead of pushing him away?

There are many things most men wish we would do to show our love. Unfortunately, they don't come nearly as naturally to most of us. But these are the "long-term connectors" that are going to make him want to be yours forever.

If you can master even a couple of these, you’ll be doing better than any of his exes and most of the other women he’ll run into. This is how men want to be loved:

1. He wants you to let him keep some of his independence and feel good about it.

This is one of the main reasons men pull away when they start to feel like the relationship is getting serious. It’s almost like a subconscious "test" he’s giving you. The good news is that when this happens, you can feel good knowing you’re progressing to the next level of the relationship — if you can pass the test that is.

It happens because he’s feeling like he’s losing himself in the relationship. He wants to know he’s still himself and he wants to still do some of the things he did when he was single and on his own.

Yes, it can be scary because it means you must trust him. This can be difficult, especially if you’ve had men in your past who’ve strayed and cheated on you.

When he starts to pull away like this, you may be tempted to tighten your grip on him and never let him out of your sight. Maybe you start peeking in his phone or checking his e-mail when he’s not looking. These are all signs of mistrust and will push him away further.

As long as he hasn't given you any reason to mistrust him (and really, if he has, why are you still hanging around?), then loosen up on the leash a bit and let him have some time to himself.

Men need their cave time and their guy time. They need to spend some time with their buddies. Give him the space he’s looking for, without any guilt, and his love for you will only grow stronger.  

2. He wants you to maintain some of your own independence.

This is the other side of number one above — he wants to know you can handle yourself when he’s out on his own. If you fall to pieces when he’s out doing his own thing or if you just sit at home waiting for him to get home or call or text you, he’s going to feel that pressure.

Even if you don’t overtly give him any grief about it, he’s going to feel like you’re just waiting for him to get back to you and he’ll feel controlled and smothered.

He needs to know you’re okay on your own and you have your own life separate from the relationship. He wants to know you’re owning your own happiness. This takes the pressure off him and takes the stress off the relationship, all of which makes him want you more.

It’s kind of like the old saying: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

And really, to be in a healthy relationship, you first need to have a healthy relationship with yourself, so this is a win-win, any way you choose to look at it.

The next time he’s out stretching his independence, take that opportunity to do something for yourself, something you love doing. Then he’ll know your happiness doesn't hinge on what he’s doing (or not doing).

He’ll love hearing all about your adventures when you come back together and while he might not even realize it, he’ll be drawn to you on a much deeper level.

 

RELATED: 13 Things EVERY Independent Woman Must Know To Find Love

 

3. He wants you to know just how valuable you are.

This is such a tough one for so many of us, especially when we fall into the trap of validation. We want our man to validate us, to make us feel like we have worth and are valuable. But the problem is, it doesn't really work that way. It's actually something you need to bring with you to a relationship.

You show this to him by letting him know you have standards and won’t be a doormat. He may test you on this — maybe without even realizing it. If he feels like you’re letting him walk all over you, he'll start to lose attraction and he'll feel like you just can't stand up for yourself.

If, on the other hand, you show him by your words and actions that you do, in fact, have high standards for yourself, he'll look at you as having high worth and value as a person. And that's the kind of woman he wants to commit to for life.

4. He wants you to keep him on his toes.

This goes back to the differences between men and women. Women want their guy to put them up on a pedestal, profess their undying love to them, cherish their very essence, and make it known they are the only woman they'll ever love.

If you do this to most men, they'll start to lose interest. Yes, men love a heartfelt compliment here and there and they love knowing you're thinking about them and care about them, but make sure to keep that little playful distance so he knows he could lose you at any time.

He needs to feel there are plenty of other men out there who would scoop you up in a heartbeat if he's not careful.

This isn't meant to be a jealousy thing, so you have to be careful here. The mindset you need to have is that you are more than worthy, very desirable, and he's lucky to have you. He also needs to know he must continue winning you over just to keep your beautiful heart.

If you have this mindset, it's going to come through in everything you say and do, and the effect will be him continuing to chase after you. And guess what? This is exactly what he wants to do.

If you can master these 4 things, it'll go a long way towards capturing his heart forever. He'll recognize you're the prize — and you're a prize worth winning over and over again. 

Jane Garapick is a dating coach who knows firsthand what it's like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you, and writes about adventures on the rocky road to finding Mr. Right at Getting To True Love. To get started on your own personal journey to true love, download Jane's complimentary guide "Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the Love You Want ... and Deserve".

Watch Billy Ward's TED Talk on how to love and be loved.

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