How Perfectionism Ruins Your Relationships

There was an interesting conversation going on at Kenya K. Stevens' Facebook page (link below).  I chimed in with a comment and got some great feedback on it, so I thought I would elaborate on it a bit and put it up here.

All of our interesting tales about relationships seem to be based on the expectation that one partner (the one who "screwed up") is going to be perfect. Look at the celebrity relationship stories we gravitate to and they are all about mistakes that we think other people have made, from cheating to divorcing. We love conflict and do our part to feed the flames higher, by concentrating on the judgments we make about one or both of the parties. Do You Enable Bad Behavior?

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The only predictable thing in relationships is that both parties will screw up, either in the flesh or in the mind or both. We overlook the opportunity of the most likely outcome in relationships and invest a great deal of time and energy in covering them up or judging our own partners when they are out in the open. Those judgments lead to our rules of relationship, which are only designed to protect us. They also keep us from seeing each other for who we really are and creating a starting point for growth.

Rules are useless. In true relationship, evolution is all there is. Everything can be a source of evolution in relationship. Sign on for it or welcome to a series of unnecessary disappointments, each followed by a round of judgments meant to keep us safe from the next inevitable disappointment. We have no choice but to work together through our "imperfections" ... otherwise it's not a relationship, it's tourism.

Ending the relationship will just leave the work of evolution to the next person and there's no guarantee that there will be any commitment to do so. Remember what you are looking for in the relationship and put mistakes in perspective and get to work on them together. Open them up, have a look inside them together. They are simply opportunities to learn. I know they can be hard to process and live with, but if you gave yourself the same freedom, to put your imperfections on the table and work on them together, you'll get places you've never been and become more of the person you always wanted to be in any relationship.

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by Gregg DeMammos of 21st Century Man http://www.facebook.com/pages/21st-Century-Man/123049324441970

Note: If you ever want an interesting, grown up and often scintillating conversation about relationships and sexuality, I highly recommend Kenya's page http://www.facebook.com/kenya.stevens