Young Mom Reveals The 15 'Controversial' Parenting Rules She's Using To Raise Her Daughter
No sleepovers, no secrets and no public school.
@theorganicmami via TikTok / Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash There’s no one correct way to parent and definitely no rulebook. Parents must learn as they go, and what works for one family — or even one kid — won’t work for another.
Aubriana, who goes by @theorganicmami on TikTok, shared the "controversial ways" she’s raising her daughter as a first-time mother. The comments on her post range from fellow parents praising her rules, to users calling her "too strict," "outrageous" and "a bad mom."
Here are her 15 controversial parenting rules for raising a daughter.
1. No sleepovers
"Not even with family members," Aubriana added.
This rule in particular sparked debate in the comments, with some people concerned that her child will miss out on the bonding experience and childhood memories that sleepovers provide. However, these days, many parents are on board with the 'no sleepover' rule, citing the increased risk of sexual assault when kids sleep outside the home.
2. No being left alone with a male
"I don’t care if you’re the grandpa, the uncle, the cousin," the mother said. Unfortunately, this rule isn't always plausible. Instead, experts say parents should focus on teaching their children bodily autonomy and self-trust so that they will be more likely to understand and react in an unsafe situation.
"There's a fine line between raising kids who understand things like good touch, bad touch, when to heed their spidey sense that something isn't safe, how to call home for help, when to extricate themselves from a bad situation and ... raising kids who are afraid to go out in the world," Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor and author of 'Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond – and How Parents Can Help,' told USA Today.
3. Her daughter will be treated the same as her son
Aubriana clarified what she meant by this in a second video where she shared the 'controversial ways' she plans to raise her son. "While I'll treat them the same and show them the same amount of respect, the same amount of love, the same rules, the same chores, I do believe that boys and girls are different," she said. "They have different needs, different characteristics, so I will do special things with each."
What she won't do is give her son any type of special treatment just because he's a boy.
4. Secrets will not be kept from parents
Even if it's well-meaning, safe adults don't ask kids to keep secrets from their parents. Aubriana noted that the quickest way never to see her family again is to say something like, "I’ll give you candy when you’re mom’s not here, just don’t tell her."
Experts recommend teaching kids the difference between surprises and secrets. "Talk about healthy surprises, such as a surprise trip to the beach or a surprise present," says Amy Morin, LCSW. "Explain how surprises should be fun and everyone should know about the surprise soon — unlike a secret which may be 'forever.'"
5. Her daughter doesn’t have to kiss you, hug you, sit on your lap or anything else just because you asked her to
Yes, even if you’re a relative and haven’t seen her in a long time.
It's never too young to teach consent. Regardless of their age, children don't owe anyone physical affection. Suggest alternatives that don't involve unwanted physical touch, like fist bumps, high fives or even a simple wave.
Several people in the comments appreciated this rule and even wished that their own parents had implemented it. "The no hugging thing! Thank you!" one user wrote. "I hated when my mom would force us to hug people I did not like. A lot of my relatives were mean to me as a child."
6. Her daughter doesn’t have to respect you if you don’t also respect her
It's possible to raise a respectful child while still acknowledging that respect is earned, not given. Even with young kids, respect should be mutual.
7. Her daughter will have opinions and emotions — and she’s allowed to feel them
"We will take mental health days when needed," Aubriana said. "And she’s allowed to express herself and learn to regulate her emotions"
Healthy emotional regulation can benefit kids enormously. Those who manage their emotions well are more likely to succeed academically and get along with others. This can be taught by talking about feelings and teaching kids to recognize and name their emotions. "When things are calm, find opportunities to talk about feelings and strategies for managing them. It won’t all sink in during one conversation, but you can lay the groundwork, Pamela Cole, Ph.D., who studies emotion regulation in early childhood, told the American Psychological Association.
8. No public school
"We’re not going to do a public school system that makes you sit at a desk for eight hours and not learn anything you really care about," she said.
When it comes to a kid's education, it's a matter of choosing the right option for the individual child. Public, private, charter and homeschooling all have their own pros and cons. Avoiding public school is not feasible for everyone, and, believe it or not, it does have some benefits, like more opportunities for extracurriculars and a diverse population.
9. Use holistic methods before resorting to Western medicine
According to WebMD, "Holistic medicine is a form of healing that considers the whole person — body, mind, spirit, and emotions — in the quest for optimal health and wellness." It prioritizes fixing the cause of a condition, rather than merely alleviating the symptoms. Still, it's a good idea to talk to a pediatrician before trying or relying solely on holistic methods.
10. Her daughter will be taught to stand up for herself, set boundaries and say no
Teaching kids boundaries is one of the most important things a parent can do. According to PsychCentral, "Boundaries are the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others." They are there to help you and those around you feel safe and respected. Parents should set a good example by modeling healthy boundaries and clear communication.
11. She will never talk poorly about herself in front of her daughter or make comments about her daughter's appearance or body image
When a parent points out their own flaws or calls themself fat, it inevitably makes the child think about their own body in a critical way. This can cause an unhealthy relationship with their body image that lasts a lifetime.
According to the Huffington Post, "Criticizing your own body in front of your little one — i.e., engaging in "negative body talk" — may seem harmless because it’s not directed at the child, but kids often translate and internalize some pretty toxic messages from these sorts of comments." Research shows this can lead to disordered eating, depression and low self-esteem.
Even when complementing, it's best to praise behaviors, rather than appearance. Make it clear that someone's physical attractiveness is far from the most important or valuable thing about them.
12. Her daughter can always come to her and never has to hide anything
Creating a safe space where your child feels comfortable coming to you is crucial. Make sure that your child knows that they won't be punished for confiding in you, and manage your reaction when they do disclose something. Showing anger will only make them regret sharing.
13. She'll own up to her mistakes and apologize
No parent is perfect — and neither is any kid. Owning up to your mistakes teaches your children to do the same. Admitting mistakes and apologizing demonstrates humility and a willingness to grow, great traits to teach your little one.
14. Her daughter will always travel with her family
"It's worth making all the memories and experiences with our family," Aubrianna added.
But beyond the priceless memories, traveling as a child can actually boost their development. Experts say, "travel can expand a kid's world, making them more empathetic toward cultural differences and helping them adapt to changing situations." Furthermore, traveling aids linguistic development.
15. She will say daily affirmations with her daughter
Positive affirmations can help kids gain confidence and establish a positive inner voice that will last a lifetime. "I want her to know her worth and not ever look to others for validation," Aubriana said.
"Regular repetition can encourage your brain to take [the affirmations] as facts, believing you can do something and creating a positive mindset that can help you to accomplish your goals," Marilou G. Tablang-Jimenez, M.D., DFAPA told Parents.com.
Here are 10 positive affirmations to use with your children:
- I am a hard worker
- I am worthy of love
- I can do whatever I set my mind to
- I am a good friend
- I believe in myself
- I am beautiful inside and out
- I am unique and special
- I get better every single day
- I am smart
- I am brave
Aubriana's rules may have angered some, but other commenters commended her for putting these rules in place, even if not everyone agreed. "I love your mindset and if I ever have kids I’m going to have the same rules," one user commented. "I wish they were in place for me when I was younger."
Ultimately, it doesn't matter what other people think about your parenting style. All that matters is that you do right by your child.
Audrey Jaber is a Boston-based writer and Assistant Editor for YourTango.