Photo: Dima Aslanian / Shutterstock
Friendships aren't supposed to drain your happiness.
By Suzanne Jannese
Last updated on Jan 03, 2024
When her name flashes on your phone as it rings for the third time that day, you debate whether or not to pick it up. Because you know exactly what she's going to say.
You have chores to do and dinner to make, but the loyal, guilty part of you picks up, knowing you're giving the next hour of your life over to her weeping and wailing. She knew you would, and that's why she called you.
You've been bitten yet again by your emotional vampire best friend who, frankly, sucks the life blood from you. For a long time you probably didn't recognize the signs; but now, you've realized you've been giving a large portion of your time and energy to an ungrateful, needy friend who doesn't repay the favor.
Here are 7 signs your best friend is actually an emotional vampire.
1. She only calls when she needs you, but is never there for you.
We all have bad days when work gets us down, or we have a fight with our boyfriend, or we didn't get the promotion we'd hoped for. In those cases, you need a glass of wine and a good vent to someone who cares about you and who will sympathize.
But when you pick up the phone to call your best friend, you get her voicemail. And it's not just this one instance — it's every time you need to talk. Still, your phone will ring off the hook when she's going through something similar and wants to chat, or when she needs something from you other than support.
If you're in a one-sided friendship like this, it's a big sign that she's an emotional vampire.
2. She thrives in drama.
One day it's her dad's illness, the next day it's a terrible date. The week after, she calls to vent about her mean boss who took all the credit for her work. You listen, support her, and give her advice.
But here's the thing: just as one issue is solved, another issue always pops up. She never seems to be happy and, honestly, doesn't truly want to be. She wants the drama and the chaos; otherwise, what's the fun in that?
3. She doesn't take your advice.
Your emotional vampire friend may go back time and time again to the same man who uses her, dumps her, gets bored and then calls her again. When he inevitably breaks up with her yet again, she calls you — more times than you can count.
Photo: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels
You are her emotional crutch, listening as she weeps and advising her to move on and find a nice man who treats her well. But despite all your help, she refuses to listen. Eventually, it may get to the point where you grow bored of hearing yourself repeat the same thing again and again, and remove his name from your conversation.
This is common with toxic friendships. Hopefully, after laying down some boundaries, she will vanish from your life altogether and remove the emotional vampire who doesn't want solutions. from your life.
4. She takes forever to text you back.
She may use the excuse that she wasn't by her phone, or she didn't hear your text ping. But you know that's simply untrue. After all, who isn't glued to their phone these days?
You know she carries her phone with her everywhere, so there should be no reason why it takes her days to reply to your text. She only replies when she has something she needs to talk about, because she thinks her life is more important than yours.
It's a common courtesy, in any friendship, to return a person's texts. And it's incredibly selfish, not to mention emotionally draining, to make people wait for your response.
5. No matter what you're going through, she's been through worse.
Friendship woe isn't a competition. If you're upset about something going on in your life, the last thing you want is someone to negate how you're feeling by telling you how much harder they've had it. But with this friend, that's all she does.
You want sympathy, but she just wants to one-up you and dominate the conversation. If you get stood up by a date, she got cheated on. If you got cheated on, she got cheated on and broken up with.
It's so exhausting having an emotional vampire as a friend because nothing you ever do will warrant some sympathy.
6. She's the epitome of 'misery loves company'.
People that are never happy for your successes are not real friends. You can see it in her eyes when you tell her you got engaged, promoted, pregnant, or any other good news you want to share. She may smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
No matter what good thing you tell her, she has a way of sneaking in a backhanded compliment, or even flat-out insulting you. If you announce that you've finally met someone and are going to spend your lives together, she may say something rude like, "I wonder how long that will last," complete with an eye roll.
She may even follow her insult up by not inviting you out to party, as you're no longer the "single friend" that she's interested in. An emotional vampire like this only wants your friendship when you're in the same boat. But once that dynamic changes, you won't see her for dust.
7. She never follows through on anything, but then blames everyone else for her failings.
Recognize this one? The woman who starts the diet but then falls off the wagon and is furious when you stick to it and lose 10 pounds. Or, the woman who starts a job hunt but gives up when she doesn't get an interview for the first application.
Emotional vampires rarely see things through. They give up at the first hurdle to prove their "see, I told you I couldn't do it" theory. Deep down, your emotional vampire best friend fears change and would rather be stuck in a rut forever than take any risks.
Photo: Ayo Ogunseinde / Unsplash
She will blame every single thing that goes wrong for her on other people: the ex-boyfriend who left her, the ex friend who wasn't there for her (ironic), the boss who never promoted her.
Emotional vampires aren't happy people. The only thing that brings them joy is sucking the joy and vitality out of your life.
If you spot these signs in your own friendship, run for the hills. Block her calls and emails. Avoid the places she goes. Don't feel bad about it — you're protecting yourself. If you feel guilty, remind yourself that vampires always need new blood, so she will be on to the next victim before you know it.
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Suzanne Jannese is a writer, freelance journalist, fashion reporter, and associate producer. Her bylines have appeared on Huffington Post, ABC News, Ravishly, Thought Catalog, and Mamamia, among others, where she writes about motherhood, relationships, and lifestyle topics.