I Surprised My Boyfriend By Bedazzling My Nipples With Black Rhinestones

Photo: Instagram
I Tried My Own Stick On Nipple Tattoos On My Boobs
Sex

It was... an experience.

I first had the thought at the tender young age of fourteen when I saw them on Lainie Miller in The Graduate... Pasties were simply NOT meant to worn on boobs like mine.

Sure, I'm now a woman in her mid-30s, but I haven't always been! I used to be young, vibrant, and full of life!

Tragically, I can't say the same thing for my breasts.

They went from being not there to THERE practically overnight, and they have since been exhausted by the trials and travails of daily life. Ever since they began to develop, my breasts pointed squarely in the downward position, covered by stretch marks.

Sure, they're a great place for storing stuff like ATM cards or snacks for later in the day, but none of that makes them ideal for sexy little things like pasties, which seem designed only to accentuate perky, tiny-nippled breasts.

RELATED: There Are Only 8 Types Of Nipples In The World — Which Do YOU Have?

That said, when I happened upon the chance to try out a pair of pasties from Bijoux Indiscrets for myself, I wasn't about to say no.

Life is way, way, way too short to not say yes to pair of designer pasties made of black rhinestones and arranged in the shape of a massive bow — that's always been my motto. I mean, that's pretty long for a motto. You couldn't exactly stitch it onto a sampler and hang it somewhere prominently on display in your home.

But I assume you get what I'm saying.

When I first picked up the package I showed them to my boyfriend and waggled my eyebrows his way.

Not exactly seductive, but hey, it worked for Groucho Marx, right?

My boyfriend has always been the kind of guy who prefers seeing women naked as opposed to in lingerie. In his words, "It's all just wrapping paper. I want the present." That's a nice sentiment (and very him), but it also means I have a whole drawer of sexy lingerie languishing away.

Like, legitimately. I think the last time I checked there was a lady moth hosting sex parties in there.

I figured he might find these sexier than a black teddy, but he seemed only to be confused.

"What are they...for?" He asked.

A fair question, but rather than explain to him that some men like to gaze upon women with reverence and awe as they both marinate in the fullness of their own sexuality, I shrugged and said, "Sex stuff, nerd."

RELATED: 10 Guys Reveal Their UNFILTERED Thoughts About The Size Of Your Areolas

This was not, I'll grant you, my best defense.

When it became clear that he didn't seem sexually inspired by the pasties, I reminded myself that it didn't matter. If they make ME feel sexy, they were worth exploring, and given that the tasteful packaging was already so tantalizing, I figured there was a strong chance that at the very least these would get me all hot and bothered.

I was worried that I was going to have to glue the individual stones to my own chest and since I barely passed art class in elementary school, I knew that wasn't going to fly. Thankfully, though, that wasn't the case.

The single-use pasties come with a sticky glue adhesive that makes putting them on super easy.

The stones itched and scratched my skin, and, as I'd feared, you could barely see that I had done something cute and sexy to my boobs because my nipples are drawn towards the Earth's core in a way that is beyond demoralizing.

Still, when I held my hands on top of my head and posed coyly, they looked cute.

I realized only after putting them on my nipples that you could probably use just one at a time as a way of vajazzling should you feel so inclined.

Talk about putting a bow on it!

The instructions are straightforward and clear, and so are the warnings. If you're sunburned or if you've got sensitive skin, you shouldn't put these pasties on your nipples.

I've got sensitive skin, but I'm also a plucky lifestyle journalist, and I opted to take the risk. This was foolhardy.

RELATED: What Men REALLY Think About When You Wear Sexy Lingerie

I wore the rhinestone pasties comfortably for about twenty minutes before the burning started. Then it was as those fire ants were having a wild sex party on my aerolae and everyone was invited (and by everyone, I mean every single fire ant living on Earth).

Once I identified the actual problem I raced to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that with a bra and the pasties underneath it looked like I was growing scales on my nipples. I ripped off the rhinestones, gave my boobs a healthy coating of Benadryl, and swore off pasties for life.

If you've got sensitive skin and breasts that seek only to make you feel shame, rhinestone pasties probably aren't for you.

But when it comes to sexiness and fun, it doesn't get much better than black rhinestones surrounding your nipples.

For one brief and glorious moment — before my low self-esteem and the fire ants kicked in — I had a sense of what it must feel like to be Dita Von Teese every single day of the week.

So, learn what I learned.

Never say no to something because you're terrified it will make you look ugly or because your boyfriend doesn't care about it.

Take a chance. You may learn something about yourself and your own desires.

You may also briefly feel as though your breasts are being consumed by fire ants, but in the grand scheme of things, that is mostly irrelevant.

RELATED: The REAL Reason Men Are So Infatuated With Your Breasts


Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20pm EST. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.

Author
Blogger