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A robust love is one to fight for.
By Gigi Engle
Last updated on Feb 19, 2024
It can be hard to accept that you’ve found someone who has the ability and willingness to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You should always expect the best for yourself.
Healthy, fulfilling relationships are hard to find, but once you find yours, hold onto it. Love takes work, honest communication, and selflessness. A truly healthy relationship will change and adapt to every one of life’s challenges.
But when it comes to the things that don't happen in a healthy relationship, if you find that either you or your partner are guilty of any of them, it's important to reevaluate your relationship.
Here are 30 things people in healthy relationships never do
1. Skip kissing
Couples should be kissing every single day. Intimacy is such an important part of relationships, it's essential to express your love in a physical way every day. Whether it's a peck on the cheek or the lips, a kiss shows your partner how much you adore them.
2. Nag each other about small things
Your partner will no doubt, at one point or another, get on your nerves. But rather than putting them down and nagging about the small stuff, pick your battles.
3. Go to bed angry
If you go to bed angry, you go to bed assuming all these bad things about your partner, and you wake up bitter. If an argument needs to wait, then let it, but try to calm down before settling in for the night.
4. Forget to text your partner back
Whether it's a text about picking food up on the way home or remembering to do a load of laundry, the least you can do is text your partner back. It takes just a few seconds and shows that you actually care about what they have to say.
5. Be mean or aggressive for no reason
Even if you're fighting with your partner, you're making the situation worse by being rude for no reason at all. Lead with kindness always, both in and out of your relationship.
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6. Talk to a therapist instead of your partner
Rather than skirting around the problem and seeking input from a trusted professional, sometimes it's just better to go to the source and figure things out from there.
7. Be hyper-critical
Even when your partner does things you don't like — loading the dishwasher the "wrong" way or leaving out their clothes — there's no reason to criticize their actions. Asking for what you want is much easier when you're not so negative.
8. Forget about your friends
Couples should have lives separate from each other, at least to some degree. There's nothing healthy about codependency, after all.
9. Refuse to accept each other’s differences
Accepting your partner makes them feel safe to share their true selves with you. And you don't want to deprive them of that, right? After all, there are certainly qualities in yourself that they, in turn, accept wholeheartedly.
10. Take each other for granted
It's easy to let life pass by quickly and get caught up in work, chores, children, and the little things that detract from time together. But it's essential to make sure you take the time to let your partner know they are loved and appreciated.
11. Stop holding hands
Romance should never truly die in a relationship, even if it tends to fade over time. Of all the things people in healthy relationships never do, it's forgetting that holding hands is quite an intimate act.
12. Refuse to be vulnerable
Vulnerability leads to a long-lasting bond with your partner. When you refuse to open up emotionally and share a deeper part of yourself, you're telling your partner that you don't trust them.
13. Stop having wild, kinky sex
It may not be in your wheelhouse as a couple to do anything more than vanilla, but couples who are truly meant to last don't stifle that need to explore something new in the bedroom.
14. Always put yourself first
A relationship is 50/50, and while it's okay to be selfish every now and then — meaning you get a sweet treat for just you or buy yourself that blouse you've been eyeing — putting yourself first all the time shows that your partnership isn't as healthy as you thought.
15. Have doubts about your feelings and your partner’s feelings
Being in love, and staying in love, is a choice couples make every single day. When you're in a truly healthy relationship, there will never be a doubt in your mind about how you feel towards your partner and their feelings.
16. Say 'I love you' when you don't mean it
If you feel the need to say "I love you" to the person you're dating or are married to, consider it a wake-up call to think about whether or not you actually want to be in this relationship.
17. Set up false expectations
When you enter into a partnership, your expectations should be clear for your partner. But when you set up toxic expectations — "Who cares about your football game?" or "I'm fine the way I am and don't need to change," for example — you're setting your relationship up for disaster.
18. Keep your emotions inside instead of talking about them
Partners who can't be vulnerable with one another don't trust each other completely. But couples in healthy relationships feel encouraged to open up and discuss their true feelings, without worrying about being judged.
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19. Exaggerate your feelings about the other person
Honesty is a cornerstone of any healthy partnership. And for couples who are meant to stay together, they don't find it necessary to embellish the way they feel for one another.
20. Forget to make enough coffee for both of you in the morning
It truly is the little things! Making coffee for your partner may seem like something small that doesn't really matter, but the truth is that it can deeply affect your bond. Luckily, if you're in a good relationship, brewing a cup for you and your partner comes second nature.
21. Neglect to talk about what both of you see as your future
Planning for the future together may seem scary, but it's one of the most important decisions you make as a couple. And if you don't eventually have the talk about where you see your relationship going, it may be time to reconsider being together at all.
22. Forget to regularly check in your feelings
Did your partner say something that hurt you? Are you tired of picking up their dirty laundry? Do they put on the roll of toilet paper the incorrect way? These are all situations that require you to be honest, even if it's about something as simple as your preferences.
23. Stop growing together
It's normal for healthy couples to grow in their relationships, helping one another become better people along the way. But it's not a good sign if you start growing apart instead of growing alongside each other.
24. Don't adjust to each other's sleep styles
Even healthy relationships don't always have compatible sleep styles, meaning one partner may opt to sleep in a separate bedroom altogether. And that's perfectly fine! But what's not fine is when you don't address your issues with sleeping arrangements, and let it build into resentment.
25. Talk to your friends about your partner instead of your partner
Just like talking to a therapist instead of your partner, discussing your ups and downs solely with your friends, yet neglecting to bring up those problems to your partner, isn't a good thing. Think about how you would feel if your partner spilled the tea to their friends instead of talking with you.
26. Get too comfortable so you stop having adventures together
It's amazing when you can find someone that lets you be yourself, but don't let that stop you from still trying to win them over as you did in the beginning.
27. Expect too much from your partner
Over-relying on your partner is something people in healthy relationships never do. There's no such thing as a perfect partnership, so the best thing you can do is let go of those ridiculously high expectations and trust your partner.
28. Forget that love is a challenge that takes work every single day
Love is something that must be tended to every day. For couples in happy, healthy relationships, they make it a point to check in with their partner and stay open to all the changes that come with a relationship.
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29. Never remind your partner that they are wonderful
It's easy to let days, weeks or months pass by without doling out compliments and niceties. But it's important to let your partner know how much you love and adore them, without letting too much time go by in between.
30. Stop nurturing and (when necessary) fighting for each other and the life you’ve built together
Relationships are something couples need to work at every day they are together. When you stop fighting for your relationship and each other, it's a sign that the bond isn't as strong and may require reevaluation from both partners.
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Gigi Engle, ACS, CSE, CSC, is an award-winning author, writer, and certified intimacy educator. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Elle Magazine, Marie Claire, Glamour, Ravishly, Mashable, Esquire, InStyle, Refinery29, and many others.