5 Reasons Having Sex On The Beach Is The Actual Worst

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5 Reasons Having Sex On The Beach Is The Actual Worst
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So. Much. Sand. EVERYWHERE.

It’s that time of year. The temperatures go up, the clothes come off, and you’re at the beach/by the pool/in the hot tub with your honey. Things can easily get frisky quickly. Come on, who doesn’t want to recreate that pool scene from Showgirls?

Well, we don’t. We hate to rain on your already-wet water-knooky parade, but here are five reasons why we don’t endorse sea sex:

 

1. Condom problems.

Condoms can malfunction. Much more easily than usual. Suction issues lead to slippage and then it’s unsafe city from there on out.

 

2. Sea sex sucks for spermicide.

Spermicide can be washed away. Not that we’re big fans of spermicide to begin with, but if your birth control of choice happens to include some, water will dilute it and decrease its efficacy.

 

3. Bye bye lube.

It also washes away natural lubricant, which makes penetration more difficult and possibly painful.

 

4. Bugs in the butt.

Chemicals or bacteria in the water can be pushed into the vagina or butt, causing irritation or infection. Not exactly how you want to be spending your beach vacation.

 

5. Seaweed, NOT semen.

Finally, it’s just not very polite to ejaculate all over a public place. People peeing in the ocean — or worse, the pool — is bad enough. Don’t muddy the waters further with your own love juice.

Sorry to be wet noodles, but sea sex — i.e. intercourse in the sea, pool or jacuzzi — is just not a safer sex option.

 

RELATED: How To Get It On Like A Total Pro (According To Total Pros)

 

However, if you and your partner are body fluid monogamous, if one of you is on hormonal birth control like the Pill (if you’re a straight couple), and if you really want to swim at your own risk, then we suppose you could try applying a water-resistant silicone lubricant to both of your naughty bits to make for easier underwater entry. 

However, we’d just recommend some external fondling beneath the waves as a form of foreplay, rather than any kind of penetration. Save that for the nice summer-vacation hotel room.

 

 

This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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