5 Reasons Why The Unicorn Trend Needs To End

unicorn trend
Sex

DIE DIE DIE.

I've loved unicorns so much for so long that it is a part of my DNA (in a figurative sense.)

When I was a kid, I rented The Last Unicorn so often from the video rental place that they eventually just let me have the tape.

My passion for unicorns was so strong that when the men hired to paint our house heard how upset I was that a unicorn sticker on my window was going to be painted over, the turned it into a stained glass window that was presented to me with much pomp and ceremony. 

There were times as a kid where I legitimately thought I might be a unicorn.

I tell you all this so that you know when I say it's time for the "unicorn trend" to end, it comes from a place of honesty and devotion to that mythical horse creature.

Why do I think this unicorn trend needs to die in a fire? 

Here are 5 perfect reasons. 

 

Related: 7 Magical Things All Sexy Unicorns Need In Their Lives

 

1. Unicorns are supposed to be rare.

The Last Unicorn? Ever heard of if?

One of the dopest things about unicorns (other than the fact that they are horses with legitimate magical powers centered in the horn growing out of their foreheads) is that they are mysterious and rare. 

You know what's not mysterious and rare? Anything I can buy at a Claire's. 

If your mom's obnoxious best friend who is constantly telling you how to live your life is wearing a t-shirt that says, "Trust Me, I'm A Unicorn," can you honestly look me in the eye and say that the austere magic of the unicorn has not been sullied? 

 

2. Only virgins are "allowed" to see them. 

Look, I'm a fat sex writer, and while I get that when and how you decide to lose your virginity is a choice that should be respected by all and sundry, I'm sex positive, and that means I can't in good conscience celebrate a mythical being that only virgins can see.

We need to promote a healthy attitude about sex to kids and teenagers, not telling them that keeping their hymens intact could allow them a brief hallowed interaction with what is ostensibly just a horse with a skull deformity and pretend like that's a reason to keep your legs crossed. 

 

3. They ARE NOT LISA FRANK COLORED. 

Guess what color a unicorn is?

White. 

That's it. 

All this pink and purple and blue shit is just that: shit. 

If you want that kind of colorful array of products in your life, just say you like those colors.

Allow me to introduce you to my dear friend Lisa Frank. You're in good company

 

4. Saying something is "unicorn" doesn't make it better. 

If you are trying to sell me a product slapping the unicorn on it doesn't make me want to buy it. 

Unicorn leggings! Unicorn makeup! More unicorn makeup! Unicorn frap!

Unless there is a fucking ground up unicorn inside the product you are schilling, don't just toss glitter into a bottle and tell me it's unicorn semen, okay? 

 

Related: Unicorn Hot Chocolate Is The Magical Drink Your Inner Child Craves

 

5. We need to make way for other trends. 

Once the unicorn trend finally dies we can open the door to other, even more ridiculous trends. And isn't that what life is all about? A continuing series of trends that we love until we get sick of them and take to the internet to be hateful about their very existence? 

The sooner we shelf the unicorn trend, the closer we come to a day where there will be things like a narwhal trend, or a baby bull trend, or a kitten trend.

Let's ditch this unicorn zero and get with a kitten hero.