Why Being 'Chill' Is KILLING Your Chances Of Getting What — And Who — You Want

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My Best Relationship Advice About How To Be Chill Is Don't
Love

Contrary to popular opinion, that is...

How many of you in the current dating world have been in a situation where you’ve been seeing someone a few times and find yourself in a situation like this? ...

You hang out a few times. You see each other more and more regularly. You text each other. You call. You maybe have sex or at least some form of sexual interaction.

Then the second you ask, “Hey, what is it we’re doing here exactly?” you feel like somehow YOU lost.

What is that? In so many of our relationships these days we place being "chill" in an extremely high position of value. We reward people most when they never ask anything of us, never ask what we are to each other, never ask what we're doing in this relationship, and never ask why any of those things matter. 

 

Related: 6 Questions You NEED To Ask A Guy Who Says 'No Drama' On His Dating Profile

 

So what is that people find SO important about chill?

What I tend to see is people using this concept of being "chill" as a blame-free way of saying, “I don’t want to be accountable to you.”

It's a way of saying to another person:

"I don’t want to have to worry about how my actions are impacting you, so we’re going to have this race to see which one of us can be the most blasé about everything between us ...

We’re going to see who can be the least invested in whatever this thing is, and THAT person wins."

The problem with this strategy of trying so how to figure out how to be chill is that at its very core, it depends upon both of making sure you are NOT being real and that you are NOT being vulnerable. It depends upon you hiding what it is that you truly want and hiding who it is that you truly are.

So why would you want to be chill?

People who are always chill can’t be human. People who are always chill can’t be hot and they can’t be fiery. Don’t you want to be those things, too?

 

Related: Make THIS Your New Life Mantra And You Will NEVER Be The Same Again

 

If you find yourself in a dating situation in which being chill seems to have become the most important characteristic your partner thinks you can have, my best relationship advice is that you might want to try doing what I do.

I say f*ck chill.

I don’t want to be chill. I am not a chill person.

I am passionate! I have interests. There are things that I care about deeply. And I am interested in developing intimacy with people, even if along with that intimacy I have no ability to tell them what to do with their minds or their bodies or their time. I want to know the real person I am with, not some façade they are trying to show me in order to please me or keep the relationship steady.

So I don’t want chill — and I don’t want to be chill either.

Do you?

Take some time to before you next see someone, whether you are in a relationship, dating or just hanging out, and figure out whether or not "Netflix and chill" is actually right the right style of connection for you.

I know for me, I say zero chill is MUCH more satisfying.

Dr. Liz Powell is a psychologist who takes a caring yet upfront approach to therapy and coaching. She is also trained in sex therapy and brings a compassionate and open-minded approach to the treatment of sexual concerns. Her passion lies with treating underserved populations — in particular, those in the LGBTQ, Kink/BDSM, and Polyamory/Open Relationship/Swinger communities. 

 

This article was originally published at Sex Positive Psych. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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