Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Yes, There IS A Right Way To Fight — And It Can SAVE Your Relationship

Love

Say what?

Despite what you see in movies, no relationships are perfect. Well, except the fictional ones!

But that's what entertainment is for, right? Escaping reality.

Most couples know that it's normal to fight.

But that doesn't take away the fear we have that each fight will be the one that breaks apart our relationship, or that fighting means we don't love each other enough.

Because the fear of fighting is so common, Senior VP of YourTango Experts, Melanie Gorman, asked a group of relationship Experts to get brutally honest about about the role of fighting in a relationship.

Our Experts — including Stan TatkinNancy DreyfusChris Sheaand Sharon Davis — explain in the video above that fighting can actually help your relationship ... if you do it right.

Because people —  even people in love —  fight.

via GIPHY

Yes, you read that right.

Even if you're with your soulmate, there are bound to be arguments.

You can be totally compatible in every way and share the same interests, beliefs, and ideas but there are bound to be things that you differ on.

After all, they are your other half, not another you.

And you're going to spend a lifetime beside them, so holding your contrary thoughts and feelings inside is NOT the answer!

Resentment and anger will just keep piling up, and eventually, all the hurt will come bursting out in what is bound to be an epic fight that is potentially harmful to your relationship.

But it's important to understand that there is a difference between healthy fighting and unhealthy fighting.

via GIPHY

Do your fights usually go like this?

You and your partner each have your own stance that you stick to, often cutting each other off to get your point across? Do you notice that in the course of your arguments, you and your partner tend to put each other and their opinions down?

If you said yes, then it's time to change how you fight, because those are signs of unhealthy fighting.

Healthy fighting is when you let each other finish before you respond. In a healthy fight, you can put yourself in your partner's shoes and understand what it is they are worried, concerned or upset about.

It doesn't mean there won't be yelling and that you have to agree with their points.

It just means you are trying to solve whatever is bothering you while still taking care of your partner's needs.

The KEY to healthy fighting is communication.

via GIPHY

Obviously, communication during the fight is important so you can better express how you feel and understand how your partner is feeling.

But it's also important to communicate before you fight.

Sit down with your partner and go over a list of rules to follow when you fight.

For instance, neither of you can interrupt the other, or each person gets 5 minutes to yell (but not sling threats or insults, which are never healthy) but after that you have to address it calmly together.

 

Knowing that every relationship has its fights, takes some of the pressure off of being that "perfect" couple, or being a so-called perfect partner.

Just make sure you disagree right, and your relationship will only grow stronger!

 

If you or your partner is having trouble coming back from your fights, or are strugglingwith any other relationships problems, please visit the websites of Stan, NancyChris, and Sharon directly. They’re here to help.

 

 

Author
Expert