Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

The ONE Way To KNOW If Your Relationship Can Last Or He's Just Wasting Your Time

Love

A clever hack for finding "The One".

Dating is HARD!

Whether you're using an app, an online dating site or just meeting him the natural way, finding a compatible partner is no easy thing.

Even when you think you found someone you can see having a real relationship with, you still can't help but wonder if he's really the one, or if it's just going to go down in a flaming wreckage, like your other relationships.

In our latest YourTango Expert video (which you can watch above) Dr. Stan Tatkin — couple therapist and author of Wired For Dating — explains the ONE (pretty genius) way you can tell if your relationship stands a chance — or whether you should dump him before things get too sticky.

Curious?

via GIPHY

Here's the key:

It all comes down to mutuality.

As a couple, you should be on the same page.

You should each be willing to protect each other and tell each other everything.

You should have the same ideas about what's important and meaningful — both as individuals and as a couple. 

If the person you're with doesn't share your sense of fairness, justice, sensitivity, and mutuality, your relationship doesn't stand a chance.

And you can't just make those things happen, no matter how much you like him.

So why waste your time trying to change him, or even yourself? 

That's where all these dramatic break-ups come from. Expecting the other person to give you something they simply can't, or to be someone the just are not. 

via GIPHY

Makes sense, right?

Because if you and your partner don't share the same beliefs — especially the important beliefs! — how can the relationship work?

It can't, and there's no point in wasting time hoping it will change.

The good news is, once you understand the importance of mutuality, you can move on and find someone you're actually meant to be with.

 

Dr. Stan Tatkin is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method — called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®) — draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure functioning.” Join the conversation about secure-functioning relationships via the PACT Institute's Facebook page. You can also follow Dr. Tatkin's Twitter account and Facebook page.

Author
Expert