When We Started 'Swinging' It Was Either Go Big Or Go Home

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When We Decided To Try The Swinger Lifestyle It Was Go BIG Or Go Home
Sex

And, man, did we go BIG!

Here is my brief story of entering the swinger lifestyle.

Until recently my husband and I had never seriously considered swinging. It had come up in passing when discussing fantasies, as in, “Wouldn’t it be hot to do S and T” (referring to two of our close friends). Then we had a few weeks of intense discussion and spent a brief amount of time doing some reading online, and eventually, I agreed to go to a swing club. We researched various clubs in our state, selected one, and headed there with full intentions of finding a couple for a full swap.

And after an interesting evening, mission accomplished.

So why did we take this 'jumping into the deep end' approach?

My husband says it is because we are engineers, and therefore expect that once the necessary data has been analyzed and a decision reached, we are all in.

Maybe we're just impulsive. Maybe I would have wimped out otherwise. Maybe it's because we went to mega-State U and were raised to believe that if you are going to do something do it big or don’t do it at all.

From what I have learned since starting to swing, apparently, this “Go Big Or Go Home” approach is NOT the most common. 

If you are new or just considering swinging, you are probably in the majority if you take a more gradual approach.

In discussions with people we’ve met in the lifestyle, I’ve learned a lot. Apparently, a lot of people discuss this for years. Some people research it online for months and months and discuss and consider all angles.

And it never occurred to me that some people might just use the fantasy of swinging to improve their sex life without ever actually giving a try, but apparently, they do.

A lot of people also get into the lifestyle by being "converted" by someone they know. They have a threesome or start with light playing with a friend or maybe just watch a porn movie with friends and that leads them down the swinger path. Alas, we are apparently too vanilla-seeming for anyone to have ever tried that one on me or Mr. Scarlet.

At the time we had our first playdate, I also had no idea about the number of websites out there to meet people for non-monogamous sex.

I’d, of course, heard ads for Ashley Madison but was always rather disgusted with it being a website for finding people to cheat with. I hadn't yet come across Kasidie or other websites for finding swinger companions. It also never occurred to me to try to meet people on a website like Craigslist because, in my experience using that website for more mundane topics, many of the contacts seem to be viruses or scams or worse.

Since I hadn’t yet happened upon the matchmaking sites, I also didn’t realize the level of variety that exists in regards to what people do in the swinger lifestyle.

My assumption was that either you had sex with other people or you didn’t. If you didn’t you were monogamous. The fact that you might just check out a club and watch others or have same-room sex never occurred to me.

I also had never considered limiting swinging to girl-on-girl contact only. I was aware of soft versus full swaps after some reading articles online, but honestly, I didn’t see the point of that restriction unless you’re someone with a messed up view of sex, like those who take a virginity pledge and then have anal sex as a way of preserving their "true" virginity.

The fact that people have various comfort levels and interests or deal with jealousy differently has been interesting for me to process.

I will say that the “Go Big Or Go Home” method worked for us and we've had a grand time so far.

But I can also understand why so many prefer the more gradual approach of just sticking your big toe in.

Either way, you have a lot of options, and they can ALL be fun.

 

Listen now: While many people enter into non-monogamy when already “coupled,” there are some ways that folks approach this transition that can make folks like me feel more like prey than people. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a threesome or wanting to both date the same person, unicorn hunting can quickly become predatory, coercive, and controlling. So how can you be sure that you’re not falling into these patterns? On this episode of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast, we talk about couple privilege and the ethical treatment of unicorns.

 

 

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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