I'm a mom, b*tches!
Dear Ladies and Gentleman.
It am pleased to announce, that, after the consumption of many bales of artisanal and locally grown hay and the odd bit of teriyaki chicken dropped into my pen, that I, April the Giraffe, have finally done it.
I had that mother-lovin' baby, you guys.
It wasn't easy.
Obviously, childbirth never is, but when your pending labor becomes the biggest will-they-won't-they since Rachel and Ross first locked eyes on Friends (yes, I know what Friends is, I'm actually a huge Matt Le Blanc fan, still really pulling for the guy) giving birth becomes a whole new kind of stressful.
The last time we spoke, I will now admit, I had let the fame and the attention go to my head.
I was so over-exposed that my last night might as well have been Kardashian instead of The Giraffe, and with no Kris Jenner-type momager to keep me on the straight and narrow it is a miracle that I didn't just eat my baby as soon as it popped out if it meant TMZ would give me another write-up.
But that's all in the past now. I am a mother, a being transformed. April the pregnant Giraffe, is now April The Giraffe who is a mom! I can say now in all sincerity that I would never EVER eat my baby unless I discovered that my baby was, in fact, a pile of banana leaves.
Delicious, delicious, banana leaves.
Now that I'm a mother, I'm redirecting the path of my life.
I haven't given up the dream of fame, exactly, after all, if this whole pregnancy has taught me anything it's that we need to give the people what they want, and what they want is me pacing around, not doing much of anything except eating and passing wind.
I'm happy to go on doing that if it's what people love. If I've learned anything from Ellen Pompeo's career on Grey's Anatomy (another TV show I watch that would be improved with the casting Mr. Matt LeBlanc) it's this: Ride the fame that is given to you into the ground.
All of that said, I do need to tweak my hours. I don't know if you're aware, but raising a baby giraffe is hard, and raising a giraffe with my own passion for leaves is a non-stop job and that job description is "keep the thing that fell out of you from exploding from eating too many leaves."
I'm proud to be a mother, proud to be a celebrity in this great country of ours, and I plan on making the most of it.
So what comes next for me? Politics maybe? Who's to say, life is long, and as a female giraffe in her prime I do truly believe that I can have it all.
Now if you'll excuse me, the baby has gotten its head stuck inside of a small hole and is now fear-pooping everywhere. My god, just...everywhere.
Motherhood, it's a gift.
April the Giraffe.