Why I Don't Think The Bachelor Nick Viall DESERVES To Find Love

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After four seasons of "finding love," I want him to find what he deserves.

The Bachelor is always a sh*tshow, but this season stinks a bit worse than others, for no other reason than Nick Viall being the Bachelor. After being subjected to watching his whining, slut-shaming, woe-is-me ass dragged across two seasons of The Bachelorette (and knowing, but not watching, as he soaked in the Bachelor franchise limelight with his stint on Bachelor In Paradise), I hoped against hope that we had seen the last of him.

But no such luck, and here we are.

Normally I watch with bated breath, hoping that two people find love (no matter how naive and ill-fated) by the final rose ceremony. I let myself get swept up in the romance, or at the very least get competitive that my Bachelor draft picks will make the final three.

I mourn when the women I love go home, but this season is different. With each departure, I rejoice that they have dodged the ultimate bullet: Nick, himself.


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While some may feel shocked and dismayed that half a dozen girls went home last night, I saw it as a merciful exodus, with the exception of the detached aspiring dolphin trainer (girl, we all wanted you to get a chance to swim with dolphins in a tropical locale).

The only reason I am looking forward to the final rose ceremony this time around is the fact that I am holding out hope that Nick gets what he deserves and, let's be honest, what he deserves is Corinne, the petulant girl-child who finds herself struggling to get on a normal eating and sleeping schedule without the help of her adult-nanny.


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I’m not saying Corinne and Nick are a dream team but they are definitely the struggle couple that Bachelor nation deserves for giving Nick Viall four — count 'em, FOUR — chances at finding love. The saying is “third time’s a charm.” If you fail on the third try, it’s time to leave you to your shame and move along.

We did not do that, so we deserve what we are getting here: the wealthiest, sh*ttiest, least emotionally intelligent girl in the group rising to the top like the floating turd she is.

And I hear you all saying, “But what about Rachel? What about Raven?” I hear you. If this were any other season I would want those ladies to win. But the prize here is Nick Viall, and I wouldn’t wish that upon my enemies, let alone these sweet lady badasses.

Let’s all keep our eye on the real prize here which is getting our first black Bachelorette and sparing Rachel from the shame of being nationally proposed to, then inevitably dumped, by this giant douche canoe.

If it’s not going to work out anyway, let’s have it not work out for Corinne. Winning means basically nothing to her. Let's be honest: She could go home at any time and if any tears were shed they would be booze-induced hysterics, because girlfriend gets wasted at every event and then has to take a nap halfway through.


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She simply cannot function, and none of us are entirely sure why. She’d be relieved to be reunited with her nanny Raquel. Let’s not hope she will get that satisfaction.

Let’s hope instead that she finds her other half in man-child Nick, who clearly gives no effs about her or any of the other women for that matter. Because let’s face it, he’s never, EVER been there for the right reasons.

He’s there for the drama, the exposure, the validation, the sex. He thinks he deserves a platinum vagina like Corinne's, and I have a feeling he’s going to get it.

 

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