New Penis Tracker Proves That Our FitBit Obsession Has Gone Too Far

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sex toy fitbit tracks sexual performance
Sex

It tracks way more than “steps.”

We all know a guy who spends way too much time worrying about their FitBit, right?

They’re constantly checking it, referencing it, talking about how close they are to getting their “10,000 steps.”

He probably gets mad when one of his friends takes more steps than him, too. 

Well, that guy's preoccupation with data collection is about to get a whole lot weirder in the near future.

Because now there’s a new cousin to the FitBit designed specifically for a man’s penis. (No, really.)

It’s called Lovely, and it launched as an IndieGogo campaign last year, but, according to Mashable, the creator has JUST announced that it should be available for mass market sales soon. (It’s already available for pre-order in India.)

But it’s not only a motion tracker — it also might be the nerdiest sex toy ever.

Because it tracks your sexual performance.

The device itself is a battery-chargeable silicone ring. (Think of a hi-tech cock-ring with a surprisingly large base. It kind of looks like a baby monitor when it’s charging.)

IndieGogo

It can function as a cock-ring and as a vibrator during sex, but Lovely’s real bells-and-whistles relate to how it tracks the movement of the penis during sex. It tracks sexual positions, the top speed of the penis, the total number of thrusts… it even tells you how many calories were burned during the act.

Lovely takes all of that data and sends it to an app on the guy’s phone, allowing him to perform obsessive post-mortems of his sexy time and worry about whether or not his thrust ratio helped him burn off the pizza he had for lunch.

But that’s not all. Lovely will also help the man break down his sexual performance and make suggestions for better positions and “stimulation techniques” for next time.

The IndieGogo campaign has some images of what a notification from the app will look like...

...which makes the single most compelling case for turning off your phone’s “Push Notifications” that I’ve ever seen.

IndieGogo

Is it just me, or is having your sex toy text your phone to tell you that “You did great last time” profoundly, profoundly sad?

(We all like positive reinforcement, but there’s a point where it just doesn’t mean anything anymore.)

I’m teasing Lovely now, but I can definitely understand why people would be excited about it.

There are people in the world who find data to be incredibly sexy, so I’m happy that they have their own sex toy now.

I might have my own concerns about whether or not that kind of data collection makes sex more about the mechanics of the act than the personal connection and pleasure, but that might just be me fighting the future of sex tech.

OurLovely

There are men in the world who want to wear a Bluetooth-enabled cock ring that comes with a built-in accelerometer, gyroscope, magnetometer, and motion processor, AND that has a 7-hour battery life. (Who are you trying to impress, Lovely?!)

And I’m glad that they now have something so beautifully odd and futuristic available to them. 

And they never even knew they needed a FitBit for their penises!

So, ladies and gentlemen, if your man is the kind of guy who gets preoccupied about how many thrusts per minute he’s getting during sex, you might just want to buy him a Lovely. At least it will get him to shut up about his FitBit (finally).

IndieGogo

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