4 (Totally Normal!) Sex Fantasies — And How To Make Them Reality

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How To Explore Your Sexual Fantasies
Partner
Sex

Go ahead and get your kink on, girl!

By Claire Hannum

Ever find yourself visualizing steamy scenarios to get yourself turned on? You're far from the only one. 

Sexual fantasies are very common and very normal. "All forms of fantasy, kinky or otherwise, are a healthy part of sexuality," sex expert Ava Cadell, Ph.D., tells SELF.

A recent study conducted by Cadell, called the Loveology Sexual Compatibility Survey, which gathered data from over a thousand participants, found that popular fantasies include sexual massage, oral sex, threesomes, outdoor sex, sex with a stranger, domination/submissive play, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and sex tapes.

In short, about a million different fantasies exist, and anything safe and consensual is a-okay to explore.

That said, if you're hoping to make a fantasy come to life, it can be tough to know where to get started. Below, a look at some of the most common desires among women, and how to make them happen.

1. Threesomes.


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Threesomes are a common fantasy in their own right, but they're also a means to living out several other more specific fantasies.

Perhaps you've always wanted to watch your partner have sex with someone else, or wanted them to watch you get with someone else. Maybe you want to experience having two partners at the same time, or to have a sexual experience with whatever gender you usually don't hook up with. 

Whatever your motivations may be, threesomes can be a great way to have fun and explore your sexuality.

To try it: Be sure to have a detailed talk with your fellow participants outside the bedroom ahead of time.

If you're in a relationship and want to explore threesomes with your partner, it's especially important that you talk with each other about each of your boundaries and comfort levels. "A couple can create their own personal ‘rules’ around the experience, such as no penetration, or no kissing, or the third party cannot sleep over… it’s up to the couple to design their ultimate threesome that won’t jeopardize the relationship," says Cadell.

If you're single (either having a threesome with fellow single folks or acting as a third to an established couple), it's still vital that everyone involved feels safe and respected throughout the encounter, so make sure you clearly communicate any boundaries.

It's also important that any participant in the threesome has the right to call it quits at any time, even in the middle of the act. Of course, this is true of any sexual encounter—you never have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, even if you've already started—but it can be helpful to reiterate so that everyone is safe and on the same page.

If you're looking for extra guidance, turn to some sexy educational reading for tips. Take a look at Vicki Vantoch's The Threesome Handbook, a guide to experiencing your first threesome in safely and joyfully.

If you're turned on by the thought of threesomes but not comfy with the idea of actually having one, have one in your imagination!

"In my practice, I’ve come across the desire for threesomes where it just wasn’t possible to actually execute because of jealousy or insecurity. So what I do in that scenario is tell the couple to create the threesome in their imaginations," says Cadell. "Talk dirty to each other about that third person, what he or she looks like, what they’re doing sexually to each other...It’s a great way for a couple to find out about the other’s desires, and goes a long way to bringing them closer together."

2. Domination/Submissive role play.


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Exploring power dynamics with domination and submissive role play can awaken a whole new dimension of your sexuality. "I encourage exploration of BDSM [bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism] for couples," says Cadell. "People are eager to discover new roles for themselves and exchange power in sexy and safe way."

To try it: The important thing when exploring BDSM is to develop a strong level of trust and communication.

Develop a safe word with your partner, and talk beforehand about what each of you are and aren't okay with trying out. "If it involves a build up to pain, always create a signal or 'safe word' which means STOP," relationship therapist Rob Peach tells SELF. You can always start things slow and simple and increase intensity later—what matters is that you both feel comfortable.

If you're looking to experiment with bondage, you can learn more about that here. For more tips on the basics of BDSM, Cadell suggests the work of BDSM expert Sunny Megatron to guide you through setting the scene for your first experience.

After a little playful research, do some shopping with your partner, either online or at a sex shop. "Ideally, you can go with your lover and pick out a paddle for spanking or a flogger for tickling and gentle punishment that you both find hot," says Cadell. "Find out what’s out there and what turns you on."

3. Outdoor sex.


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Big disclaimer: public sex is illegal! It can also be disturbing to viewers if it's carried out in front of unsuspecting strangers. (It's one thing if your audience knows what to expect and is in on the experience with you, but most often, they are not, and it's unfair to subject someone to a sexual situation in a public place when they did not consent to it.)

If you want to have public sex, try it out at your own risk (and away from strangers' eyes), and keep in mind that you could get arrested. All that said, there is nothing wrong with being turned on by the idea of getting it on outdoors. It's easy to see why it's such a common desire—it brings a huge thrill and heightening of the senses.

To try it: If you want to feel the thrill without risking arrest, consider taking a sexy camping trip with your partner.

Have as much sex as you want in your tent. Sure, it's not all the way outdoors, but it provides much of the same experience without the risk.

4. Romantic, sensual encounters.


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When many women fantasize, they are much more likely than men to consider the emotional back story of the encounter they're imagining. This often involves a vision of being pursued and desired by a partner before the actual sex act takes place. "In general, women are more inclined to arrange the stage and draw in their emotional-intellectual sensuality before attempting a scene where they lose control and become an object of someone else’s desires," says Cadell.

To try it: If your desire is an encounter that focuses more heavily on sensuality, tell your partner you'd like to take things slower than usual the next time you have sex.

Spend extra time on foreplay, and play around with trying to arouse each other by exploring one another's bodies in ways you normally wouldn't. Slowly building up to orgasms can draw out your pleasure, an add in that powerful element of sensuality that you're craving.

Remember, fantasies are normal and healthy.

"It’s important for women to know that it is completely normal for them to have [sexual fantasies]," sex therapist Kristie Overstreet tells SELF. It's totally okay (and fun!) to delve deeper into your desires to get to learn more about what makes you tick.

"I would encourage women to explore websites, forums, and chat groups that discuss these," says Overstreet. "I would encourage any woman that feels self-conscious about having a fantasy to know that every single person has fantasies whether they admit it or not. Not every fantasy needs to be acted on because some may have consequences that could greatly affect your life in many ways. These are different from person to person. Only you can decide what fantasies are safe to be explored and which are not by what type of consequences may occur."

If you'd like to explore a fantasy with a partner, be open and honest with them.

Here are some things to keep in mind when beginning a conversation.

Consider talking to them outside of the bedroom.

"If you’ve been dating your lover for a short time, you may want to communicate your kinks outside the bedroom," Dr. Sadie Allison, Founder of TickleKitty.com and author of Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide To Penis Pleasing tells SELF. "This is especially helpful in a newer relationship as it relieves pressure off both of you to get into the act right after it’s brought up. This way you both are on safe ground to explore each other’s reactions to the conversation and see how it flows. Based on that, you can decide if you want to go there with him or not. And he can decide if it’s within his comfort zone."

Choose a calm, quiet setting for the conversation.

"Timing is everything! It is important to make sure that it is a good time to talk with your partner," says Overstreet. "Make sure that both of you have time to discuss your interest and that you don’t feel rushed to talk to quickly. Ask your partner if they are open to you sharing a few things that you have been thinking about. If they say yes then take a deep breath, start with an 'I' statement, and share what your fantasies. Be sure to ask your partner what their fantasies are. You may be surprised at how similar both of your fantasies may be."

Ask them about their own fantasies if they're comfortable sharing.

"Invite them to share their fantasies with you and find some common ground," says Peach.

Err on the side of over communicating rather than sharing too little.

It's better for everyone to be on the same page than for someone to get hurt or to feel violated. "Describe what you’d like to explore in detail, as everyone’s kinks can have their own parameters, specific to that person," says Allison. "Address expectations too, and what you’d like to get out of it. For example if hair pulling is your kink, describe—or even demonstrate on him—how hard you want him to pull. The more direction you give, the better they can give you what you want. And it’ll be safest."

 

 

This article was originally published at SELF. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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