A step-by-step guide to get you through the weekend.
This political season has been a doozy. For some of us, it's been a time of political activism, friendly (and then not so friendly) debates over Facebook, and lots and lots of crying.
Or, if you're like me, it's been a time where I sit back and wonder how the hell the world has gotten to this point.
Either way, the votes have been cast (HA!), mistakes have been made, and we are now, as of tomorrow, going to be graced with the presence of a brand-spanking new president in the form of Donald Trump.
So in honor of this gigantic, world-changing weekend, I've made the perfect inauguration schedule for every person who did NOT vote for Trump.
Because like it or not, it's happening, people.
Thursday, Jan. 19
The festivities officially kick off on Thursday afternoon, with a laying ceremony, day-drinking and a (really!) intimate dinner.
3 p.m. | Laying down ceremony (AKA. Taking a nap)
Because you DGAF about the inauguration (and honestly, you didn’t even know it was starting already!)
4 p.m. | “Make America Great Again!” by starting your day-drinking off right.
How else are we going to represent America at it's finest than to drink ourselves into oblivion before sunset?
7:30 p.m. | Candlelit dinner as you weep into you spaghetti and think about anything other than what’s going to happen in the morning.
Self-explanatory after the 2 bottles of wine you consumed two hours ago.
Friday, Jan. 20
Early morning | Scarfing down your microwaved sausage links because you still have to go to work.
So you can keep saving up for your soon-to-be-even-more-over-priced health insurance.
8:30 a.m. | Private prayer that a miracle will happen and you'll wake up tomorrow with Obama still being president.
Because it's SO. FUCKING. HARD. to fathom going from this poised, respectful, well-spoken man to an orange face with a loud freaking mouth.
9:30 a.m. | Coffee date with someone SUPER HOT to distract yourself from what is really happening in the world.
There's better things we could be worrying over — like how to speak straight when he's just so good-looking.
11:30 a.m. | Swearing off ever discussing politics ever again.
Like ever. Especially on Facebook. Because after this election I'm left with no friends and only wine to get me through the nights.
Around noon | Oath of office and inaugural address
Put your hand on two Bibles to pray some more (hey, double the power ... hopefully) that this was all just some big, big joke.
Sometime after noon | Cry some more as you watch The Obamas depart.
With Mr. Trump installed as president, the Obamas will walk away from the White House ... with our hearts.
After lunch | Hurry up and finish work so that you can go day drinking again.
Thereafter | Happy Hour (DUH.)
Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence will lead the parade from the Capitol down Pennsylvania Avenue while you will lead your own parade of colleagues to the nearest bar.
7 p.m. and on | Inaugural balls
Sneak a peek and hope to see his toupee fly off as Mr. Trump has the inaugural balls to actually dance at his (TWO!) stuck-up dance parties.
Saturday, Jan. 21
The inauguration schedule ends Saturday morning, but tens of thousands of people will be sleeping in.
10 a.m. | Go back to sleep. You have a wicked hangover.