5 Signs You're Headed Straight Toward A Sexless Marriage

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Sex

Yes, it can happen to you.

People like to joke that couples stop having sex once they get married. Speaking as a married person, I can tell you that’s not always the case — though I can see where the cliché comes from.

When you’re single, there’s an urgency to sex. You desperately want your partner to know that you love them/you like them/they’re hot AF … whatever the message, the sex is about constantly reaffirming that you’re really, really into them.

But when you’re married, that urgency lessens. The other person KNOWS you’re into them (or they should know), so that reaffirmation doesn’t feel as vital or time-sensitive.

The problem is — that confidence in your relationship can all too easily turn into complacency. The fact that you’re not always trying to get into your spouse’s pants gradually evolves into you NEVER trying to get into your partner’s pants. Time passes and, suddenly, you realize that you haven’t had sex in months.

It’s a real problem. You would be shocked at how easily a once-healthy couple finds themselves living in a completely sexless marriage.

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However, there are warning signs that can help married couples avoid the death of intimacy in their relationship. Fortunately, sexual complacency doesn’t happen overnight, so there’s always time to course-correct.

If you feel like you’re not connecting with your spouse on a sexual level anymore, here are five big warning signs that might indicate that you’ve got a sexless marriage in your future.

 

1. You’re never in the bedroom at the same time.

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It’s fine if a couple has different sleep patterns, but if you and your spouse NEVER seem to spend any time in the bedroom together — or whenever you traditionally have sex — that’s a big problem. That means that you’re limiting your situational opportunities to actually initiate sex.

Proximity is a big factor in our decision to have sex. You need to be close to each other. So, if you find yourself never going to bed at the same time because you want to stay up and watch Netflix, you might need to start forcing yourself to follow them up to the bedroom (even if you’re not tired), just to increase your chances of getting it on.

 

2. You’re both constantly “tired.”

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I get it. Being an adult is exhausting and being a married adult is even more exhausting. (Being a married adult with kids is downright traumatic.) Feeling “tired” when your partner wants to have sex is a pretty normal reaction. It happens. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Unless … that’s your answer every single time. Or if your partner feels the exact same way.

You should feel comfortable enough with your spouse to crash out on the couch together, but if those feelings of exhaustion ALWAYS seem to extend to your sexual life, that’s not exhaustion. That’s avoidance. And you and your partner need to take a serious look at why sex with each other isn’t something either of you are interested in.

 

3. Your sex is about the finish line, not the journey.

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Orgasms are amazing, but they’re not the only thing that sex is about. 99% of sex is about what leads up to the orgasm — the touching, the kissing, the playing. However, when a married couple feels tired or rushed or simply bored with each other, their sex life tends to become focused on achieving that orgasm in the fastest way possible.

Foreplay goes out the window. The couple knows exactly what to expect from each other (or they’re trying to squeeze in a quickie before the kids wake up), so they rush down the shortest path possible. Intimacy is ignored, the exploration never happens. They just get off and go back to what they were doing.

This is a problem because, when your sex life is all about quick orgasms, it won’t take either of you long to realize that you don’t actually NEED each other to achieve them. You’ll find yourself thinking, “Well, I can get to that exact same place faster if I just take things into my own hands” and, pretty soon, you have even fewer reasons to start initiating sex with your partner.

 

4. You don’t care about your appearance.

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One of the best parts about being married is that, in theory, you have a partner who loves you unconditionally enough to forgive some of your minor flaws. Like farting in bed or wearing the same ratty t-shirt almost every day. However, that sense of complacency can start taking a toll on a couple’s sex life.

I’m not saying that you have to be perfectly waxed and tanned to get your partner interested, but, you know, the occasional shower would be nice. Maybe don’t burp in their faces every day. Maybe change out of the sweats every now and again, particularly if you’ve noticed that you’re not having sex that often.

A healthy sex life takes work and, yes, part of that work involves your appearance. If you want more sex, you have to be willing to stop being stinky all the time. And, if you’re unwilling to do that, there’s a problem.

 

5. There’s too much unsaid between you.

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This is a hard one. As people who’ve been in long-term marriages can tell you, sometimes, you go through a period where you and your partner aren’t on the same page. You feel like you can’t talk to them. You have things going on in your life that you don’t discuss with them and you’re pretty sure they’re doing the exact same thing.

OR you have things you want to say to your partner — resentments, unspoken pleas, needs — but you just can’t bring yourself to say them, either out of anger, apathy, or something else.

When there is so much buried beneath the surface of a marriage, it can have a definite impact on your sex life. Because sex is about intimacy and vulnerability. And you don’t feel particularly sexy or vulnerable when you’re constantly seething at your spouse.

If suppressed conversations are a defining characteristic of your marriage, you need to prepare yourself for the sex to end too. Because if you and your spouse are learning to live without each other emotionally, you’ll soon find yourself living apart sexually as well. 

 

Expert advice

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